Many of the artists that I admire, license their artwork, I don’t really understand how they go from being someone like me to being someone you see on the shelves of Walmart. But I don’t think someone just knocked on their door and asked to put their drawings on a mug. So I am out chasing my dreams at the Las Vegas licensing show. How will this excursion effect my career? I guess we will wait and see what unfolds…what I do know is how this excursion has effected me.
Start with, 8 months ago, I couldn’t drive over a bridge. I know that sounds ridiculous and debilitating but it is the truth of my life. A life I felt quickly was turning housebound. I get panic attacks. They are a beautifully invisible personal prison. You can read more about my attempts to break free here.
In my blog post called ” sharing Hypnosis”
So just getting in the car to go to the airport I already feel like the bravest person I ever met.
Airplane: On the plane I sit across the aisle from an ex marine hippie. ( I surmise this because he has a USMC tattoo, long deliciously dirty hair (soulmate?) and he is eating seaweed and dates) we don’t talk till halfway through my flight, but I sense without even talking that if we hit turbulence I am reaching for his hand and he would be cool with that. Turns out, he really would have been cool with that…we talked raw foods and crystal healing he even had a pocket full of quartz crystals wrapped in conductive coils ( because you need a conductive coil to activate the crystal healing energy…duh….security on these planes by the way let a man walk on with a pocket full of coiled crystals, but I had to throw away my water bottle WTW?)
Carrot top: What? Shut Up! I love that guy! This is my only intentional Vegas splurge, no gambling, no cirque du soliel….I love carrot top and I’m going…worth every penny just for this horrific story of survival. So I am sitting alone and this notably handsome man comes and sits down a few seats from me, we make eye contact and then the lights dim. A few minutes later the seating lady comes with a couple and a flashlight and yells at Mr. Handsome that he is in the wrong seat and she directs him right next to me…thank you Vegas! It is so cold in the theater that in between fits of laughter we keep muttering how cold we are and eventually we are all snuggled up with each other in the theater seats. Think what you may, but it was really cold…we leave the show as friends, that’s what carrot top does to you…we decide to go for a walk, where I learn that he is an out of work Lebanese soap opera actor, Explaining his striking good looks. I note that he is covered in glitter, wearing a dirty shirt, has given me two different names, goes in and out of an accent, and a smorgasbord of other red flags that explain why he is attracted to me. By the time his creepy sail reaches full mast I politely feign exhaustion. He says “No, no stay, let’s walk, I buy you dinner” I say no thank you again, at which
point he reaches in his pocket and reaches towards my face and tries to cup my nose. I turn my head instinctively and look back at him in what I am sure is a terrified daze as I am about to say what the hell I see him reach into his pocket and do it again, he starts to try to cup my nose with his hand, I freak out, I am backing away, I say get away, he says, wait wait, it’s just soap, he pulls a green thing out of his pocket and pretends to smell it himself, ( soap opera actor.) But he fake inhales, I don’t know how it is that I Can recognize a fake inhale, but I say, “give me space” and I run away..”give me space” is a weird thing to say, but it is what came out.. now I don’t know if this guy was Really trying to chlorraphorm or chlorraphyll me? i don’t know if I have caught the tail end of too many a CSI episode? He could have really been some freaky soap afficiando. My gut told me to run away and that’s what I did. I did not make a police report…hey this guy tried to make me smell his hand? But I feel some regret and my imagination has run away with what could have happened. The more I think about it the stranger it seems.
Korean TV: After a scary night I was relieved when first thing Tuesday Morning I was interviewed on Korean Television. If they are in to bright red , sweaty ,nervous mumbling , girls named ED in Korea I think I might be the next big thing?
Drawing in Vegas: Vegas is a Great place to draw, there is so much going on around me that I almost forget what I am doing and the pen just takes over and the next thing I know, It is done…I am probably the only person to sit in a bar in Vegas and not drink a thing….the girl next to me is drinking out of a bucket.
I have drawn the conclusion that My panic disorder is not like split ends, I can’t just cut them off and be free of the problem…I love problems like that. I wish it was that easy, instead I am learning to live with this little nugget, and to look at it less like a prison and more like a chimpanzee, that I can train and put in its own cage when it gets out of hand..I am thankful for it, because I think the very thing that makes me so edgy and suspicious and fearful, might be the very thing that saved me from waking up chained to a bed in some sex trafficking Lebanese cat house.
Also that’s the last time I snuggle with a perfect stranger during a prop comedy show.
*above drawing, titled “righty tighty, lefty loosy” Drew it years ago, it seemed kinda vegasy?
