I have a secret. Well, no one with a behavioral eating malfunction really has a secret. You can read all about it in one glance, when you notice I am 50 pounds heavier then I was last time you saw me….a few days ago. I have been yo-yo dieting for 33 years…and I have to say my string is just wore out. It’s exhausting going up and down like that. So I have been down here for a while …walking the dog in yo-yo speak…too heavy to work my way back into motion.
Being Overweight is taxing on every part of ones being. Heart, knees, waistband, chair legs…everything is precarious…but the psyche takes the hardest beating. The self loathing and abusive inner banter form armies set to war on all that is good in your fat person. In order to survive one must have ninja combat skills. You have to strike down the horrible thoughts the minute they turn a corner in your mind. And you have to be cunning with your sword, because the words “you can do better” and ” you aren’t good enough” are deceptively similar.
“You have to love yourself” that’s what everyone says for almost every quandary. It’s a canned phrase that sounds wonderful. But how do you love yourself, if you don’t love yourself? How do you do it? No one teaches that? They say, everyone is beautiful in their own way…but what if you can’t see it….what if you know better, what if you have a mirror and you just can’t love your busted self in it…not the way it is now, maybe if it was different….but not now? what then? How do you do it ? Here….This is my secret trick…It saves my life on the regular.
This little imagery has gotten me thru some rough hours of Elle Magazine comparisons. People on the street comparisons, last years me to this years me comparisons…It is HOW I love myself..even when I am not the person I want to be.
I just imagine myself on another planet.
I close my eyes and visualize an alternate universe where everyone is SUPPOSED to look JUST LIKE ME. I realize that in a world where Everyone is supposed to look like ME! I am the very best looking one….. For some reason this comforts and empowers me. I come back to this earth and I feel sorry for all you bitches who don’t look like me. You poor people who predictably fit into yesterdays pants, how boring your lives must be. Then I tone it down, and just try to embrace it all.
A few years ago I designed some labels for products that would be in high demand if EVERYONE WAS SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE ME.
I imagine the great lengths women would go to to augment their bodies to bring them to the standard of beauty that exists on my planet. The agony they would endure trying to get that pendulous look to their pudding sacks.
Cankles with a change purse would really come in handy.
Tiny ankles would be a sign of weakness.
I just adore thinking of women slathering on cellulite cream to TRY to get that lumpy texture, stuffing their stockings with found objects, trying to attain the perfect dimpled look.
I always have spinach in my teeth, I don’t know where it comes from, sometimes I haven’t even eaten spinach, on my planet that is sexy the way lipstick is sexy. “Man did you see the spinach in that girls teeth, boy I could make a meal outta that”
And of course the uni-brow. Tweezer companies are out. Merkins are in…and people spend hours trying to groom their brow straight into their hairline.
Of course there is more to loving yourself then just being happy with your physical appearance, there are inner gifts that need to be honored and celebrated, talents, beliefs, acts of kindness….but for that little matter of finding your beauty and loving who you are even if its a total mess by societal standards on this planet…it helps to have some imagination.
I have drawn this conclusion ……You can not compare yourself to anything or anyone ever and expect a shred of happiness. You can only hold yourself up in all your truth and glory. Trust that you are OK as is. That’s it. That is how you love yourself when you don’t know how to love yourself.
*If this behavior is a pathological sign of some sort of psychopathic egomania…..kindly disregard. But if it works for you as well in conquering a state of funk…let me know!
