This afternoon we went blueberry picking with some friends, which meant a backseat full of children on a long drive, which meant a sudden need for hair dye and to fill a xanax prescription. My son Ogden has two volumes and one of them sounds like an ambulance siren, it makes you actually pull over to the side of the road, only it never passes because the sound is just the voice of a seven year old directly behind your head. Honestly I have know idea what he is talking about, only it is very loud, very shrill and a total driving hazard. Soo after 10 glares of fury I take away this thing that he seems to be screaming about.
The thing is a folded piece of paper. And the argument that ensues over said piece of paper, drained me of my ability to cook dinner. “But Mom, I need that….It’s for my business…I am the president of my own business at school you know and I worked very hard on that.” Well, I say ” Maybe you should listen when you are asked to be quiet mr. president”
As I say this, I think A) It is ridiculous that I talk like this when i used to be so cool…and B) I think…oh sure you have a “Business”…I am mocking my own child in my head, bet thats one heck of a business I think to myself. ( Now…when I was his age I charged admission to my bedroom, I built all sorts of amusements and signs and believed with ALL MY HEART that this was really going to take off and people far and wide would come and pay money to look at the ironing board I had hung from the ceiling like a swing…and that is because seven year olds are idealistic geniuses and also totally stupid.)
So I bite…ok Ogden, what is your “Business” I ask and He says, as earnest as can be
“Cats 101 Cat Weapons” …..this takes me completely off guard and I laugh. ( Cause it doesn’t make any sense and also..What the hell? )
” Your business is Cats 101 Cat weapons? ” ..”Yes! ” He says ” Me and Jackson and Robert we make and sell cats, cat stuff and cat weapons.” that is why I need my badge back, because I am the president and they are counting on me”
He proceeds to tell me all about the cat badge honor and that if he hires you to join his company you get a cat badge. They are very time intensive and require a lot of paper folding. The way he describes it…I think he wants it to look something like this?
On the inside it is “encrypted ” with the secret message
“CAT WEAPON”
I ask what that means and I am told ” you know, cat weaponry, for Sam’s war” …actually I have no idea what Sam’s war is or what cat weaponry is, ” You know , missiles and stuff, swords that sort of thing. That is why I need my badge back”
At this point I have undergone a complete transformation of thought, my initial mockery has been fully replaced with pride. I am 100% on board with Team Cat 101 Cat Weapons and we are gonna win Sams war hands down if I have anything to say about it.
I start designing a “Better Cat Badge “
Because ….No offense Ogden , but your cat looks like shit…..
and then I pull out a notepad and begin taking scrupulous notes regarding Sam’s War, and developing a better business plan.
Apparently this “war” takes place with some birds. It is a Cats against Birds war and that is what the “Missiles” are for. ” don’t worry mom, they are made of paper, no one gets hurt” So we need to make as many cat things as we can, and we sell them to raise money for our company so that we can beat Sam’s birds” ………. ahhh I see.
I don’t have the heart to tell him that…traditionally in the war of cats and birds…well..the cat generally has a natural advantage and probably doesn’t need weaponry….but than, I have never met Sam, or his birds, for all I know they are Giant and we are in for the fight of our lives.
As if I don’t think my son is interesting enough, I am then let in to the secret “Cats 101 Cat Weaponry” handshake. It’s a secret, so don’t go spreading it around.
First make the sign of a cat claw, and say “chi” with a funny scrunched up face. Then spread out your fingers and “chi” again, repeat and then give a handjob to the air while saying “skeet skeet skeet”
Now you are official.
I have no idea if this is interesting to anyone who didn’t carry this kid in their belly. But for me, I have drawn the conclusion that my son is way more interesting than I am, I have made zero secret badges, fought no animal wars, prepared very little weaponry and as much as I try to get people to secret handshake me all day long…very very few have caught on.
political note* The Granny Aynnie will be very distressed that the boys are behaving with such aggressive forms of imaginative play. Especially in light of recent events, in my community and the world. Having witnessed the phenomenon that is 3 year olds using barbie dolls as guns, I have to confess I have NO idea what the answer is. Maybe this sort of play is natural for boys their age and that my job as a parent is to temper it by teaching, empathy and kindness …. I hope that is enough.
