A few of my friends have had their hearts broken recently. I always feel especially close to people when their romantic hopes have been hit by a train. It is a pain I can relate to. Unlike gallstones, which I have no idea about, I assume they are like jellybeans?… see I empathize but I can only imagine. Love sickness tho…that’s my jam. I have great love stories and they share mucky unspeakable character building endings.
I wouldn’t change any of my break-ups. Unless the change was that, the dudes loved me back and all wrote famous songs in my honor, referring to me only as their Queen of Muses? Shy of that, I’d say most dumpings dropped me just low enough to dodge the bullet of the other persons existence in my lives.
They HURT like a mother. But I have pulled out enough splinters to know, it gets better once it’s out.
A few days ago a friend of mine was distraught over a break-up. The break-up occurred via text. This text break-up revealed something I think is askew in our society. Every person, while offering condolences also admonished the heart breaker. “What a coward””Cowardly Bastard” they said. “Shameful, Grow up, what is he a 14 year old boy?, He should at least have the courtesy to do it in person”
This is where I do a double take and slam on metaphorical brakes. Whaa? What? Are ya’ll crazy?! Text Break-Ups are the Absolute finest invention in break-up History. In fact I often think breaking up in a clean dignified manner was the catalyst for the creation of text messaging to begin with. Some guy stewing about some rabbit boiler “If only there was a way I could end this thing right here and now without ever having to see, hear, talk to or correspond with her again, like if I could do it over the phone but without having to listen to her angry/whiny/psycho voice. And Bam! Text messaging.
Here are some of the reasons I think Text break-ups are the tits in comparison to all the other kinds of blow-offs.
1) The Disappearing Act Break-up: They just wander off, Stop returning calls, drifting drifting till suddenly you are broken up and don’t know why. It sounds lovely, but there is this desperate “hello” “hello?” “Yo!” “You OK?” “Bueller” “Are You Mad?” then you try to to be all casual “Wanna get some pizza” “Hello?” It’s just this sad debacle before you realize it’s over. And they get to witness your entire mental breakdown, all 400 clinical stages of grief before acceptance. The text message “It’s Over” would have cleared that right up. Text Message Break-Up for the Win.
2) The Dear John Letter Break-up: NOBODY wants to look at that shizz. See their own gut wrenching tears spill upon the letterhead, curling the paper with the weight of their misery. What, are they gonna dramatically burn the letter? In the fireplace? In their crap apartment? No, They don’t have a fireplace this is not 1810. They are gonna save that letter, like an emblem of patheticness, In a sad box with their cat’s ashes. A text tho, A text break-up you can just delete. Look at a few times maybe, in the dark with a pint of ice cream, and then delete. Are you sure you want to delete…yes DELETE.
3) The Murder Break-up: Don’t Kill Someone,when a simple text message will do. Text Messages save lives, unless done while while driving.
4) The In Person Break-up: This is what people seem to think is civilized.”at least he could have done it face to face” they say. I think it’s barbaric. You want to break my heart to my face…uhhh thanks but no thanks. You don’t get the privilege of seeing my reaction. You don’t get to see my anguish or worse, my tears. I’m not giving that courtesy to someone walking out the door. Why do people think that’s a good idea? So that we get a chance to throw a drink in your face, ruin your pants with spaghetti? The opportunity to go crazy in front of a crowd and make a scene? Pshhh I can do that on my own time. Every one knows anger is just tied with a long rope to the far side of love. You wouldn’t get upset if you didn’t care. That’s why it’s better to just cut the romance rope with a text message, don’t let someone flail about in a restaurant.
5) The Replacement Style Break-Up: Caution! This style of dumping has not been invented yet! “Listen, you and I, we just aren’t right for each other, But I want to introduce you to my friend Zohave, I know he looks like me, but he is slightly taller and with a cooler name, He is also smarter wealthier, funnier and has ties to royalty. He is way more attracted to you than I am and He want’s to pick up the tab for this dinner which I am about to bow out of, hope it works out, Oh he also lasts more than 40 seconds while giving a back rub. Have a nice life, text me sometime!”
I have drawn the conclusion and I think you should get on board with it, the text message is superior to any other break-up form. A few lines here, a rationale there, maybe a “wish you the best”. I mean there is an art and some closure to it, kindness and understanding go along way. But even an expletive filled diatribe is better then the snot snivelling sobs of distress found at your regular face to face. Break-Ups are horrible in every way, but until someone invents “The replacement Style Break-up”clearly text message is the way to go.
