Today was extraordinary in the most mundane ways. I walked out the door this morning on my way to go draw and decided to take my tricycle instead of drive…this led me across the front yard, directly into a pile of dog shit. I actually slid upon it in my motorcycle boots….If you know me you know I have 5 pairs of shoes. Good clogs, Bad clogs, Sneakers, Ugly Sandals and Motorcycle Boots. So losing a pair of shoes even temporarily to dog shit is a big deal.
However, something extraordinary happened..The angle at which I was kicking leaves with my giant boots, created a sort of leafy shit blanket, and when I stepped, I stepped completely onto the leaves, protecting my boot from any harm. It was the most amazing “stepping in shit” experience I have ever had….AND that includes two babies wile enough to remove their own diapers and compete olympic discus in my bedroom.
Minutes later, having decided that I was being steered away from the tricycle , I got in my mini van and drove to my destination. I turned off the car and this amazing thing happened. The doors locked and the car alarm went off. There I was, sitting in my own front seat, locked in my car, I raise my hands up to show I surrender..The doors won’t unlock, The windows won’t roll down, the alarm is sounding high pitched and emergent……I am trapped! I feel like I got caught during a bank heist and they locked me in the vault….I am running out of air. Gasping…I think quickly and turn my key in the ignition…whewww it works. Man I am smooth under pressure.
Pleased with myself, I enter the bar ( yeah I draw at a bar…what?) and proceed to bore the pants off of everyone with my re-enactment. “I’m gonna write about it when I get home” I say…to which my friend Fufan replies “only if you write about this ” and she tells the story of our sophisticated friend Mevin.
( names changed to protect the innocent )
Mevin and Fufan are roommates and one day they were texting, and Mevin ended the sentence with “Ite Den”… Fufan having great respect for the Mevins scholarly pedigree naturally assumed that “Ite Den” was a Latin affirmation of sorts. She took to the google, but could find no such confirmation….and then she called me. As you know, when google can’t decipher your ancient dialect ED HOSE to the rescue! Of course I recognized the phrase in question…”Ite Den” is how Mevin says ” Alright Then “…both Fufan and I noted that he is so very very street. And by street I mean, a lawyer that wears lip gloss. ( I’m sorry you can call it chapstick all you want…it’s not for chaps )
Anyway Ite den continues to make us laugh till our faces turn red. Just for kicks, we now kind of say it like it’s a Gregorian chant…so in case you ever hear it…that’s what that’s all about.
So that has been my very ordinary day so far, I have drawn the conclusion that it ain’t so bad. These real normal days where nothing much happens … they make the littlest things seem extraordinary.
Note: I deliberated over using the term dog shit or dog poop for quite some time, … Here is the conversation I had with myself.
Me : Don’t say “Shit” ED…It’s low brow. You’re better then that, more creative, not yet a rap star…you don’t have to curse to get your point across and there are plenty of non offensive ways to say shit…Poop for instance..or doo doo.
Other Me : Right ..Right, cause I’m a 6 year old? …..I am grown woman…if I say doo doo, please kindly punch me in the esophagus.
Me : Ok, how about excrement. It’s noble, it’s responsible, it says you care about your reader and trust in their intelligence.
Other Me : Did this dog go to medical school? Did he evacuate his bowels on to my yard?
Me : Fine!.. dookie? log? How bout turd..turd is good, or feces.
Other Me : yeah feces is good….hey that reminds me… you know what I call a telephone call regarding a bill I haven’t paid yet?
Me : No but I’m ecstatic to hear.
Other Me : …. A Fee Call Matter
Me : mmm hmm.
Other Me : Get it..Fecal Metter
Me : Fuck it…just go with shit. You are impossible.
