Dear Motion Picture Association of America,
I like girl movies. I like two hours in a dark sanctuary of anonymity, getting lost in the sugary fluff of a a good romantic comedy. I like to be taken away, to cry, to laugh, to feel the hairs raise up on my arms when someone gets kissed. I like cheerleader movies….all of them. Underdog movies, movies where the ugly girl takes off her glasses and changes the world. You can not get glittery enough, cheesy enough, cute enough for me. I am the person those movies are made for. I like movies about dresses and prom and blonds. You know what I don’t like….Vomit.
I don’t like it. I don’t like to smell it, hear it, hear stories about it, think I may need to, touch someone who recently has, or accidentally go to a movie in which…whooop there it is.
Why, Why, Why? for the love of all things sacred is there so much vomit in the movies. When I see someone vomit in a movie, I put my hand in front of my face, I turn my head, I instantly feel nauseated, sometimes I gag, I lose my appetite for my 40 dollar medium popcorn. And then I get angry, angry at the lack of creativity that someone would go to to make me feel something. Angry that the sweet romp of a girly movie has turned dark and twisted into a technicolor yawn. Gone is my moment of Zen. I depend on the chick-flick banality to distract me from my blatantly non-blond life. They put hope in my heart. Hope damn it. And Hope Floats !! Motion Picture Association of America.. It floats unless weighed down and deflated by unnecessary vomit.
I propose an additional rating descriptor of V for vomit to be added to any movie in which vomit appears.
There is no other way to prepare yourself. With a war movie, you can expect to see the violent and profane horrors of war. With a movie about drug use you expect to see some drug use….but how about Pitch Perfect…The movie I recently took myself to see, based on the promise of mind numbing frivolity that can only be delivered by a gaggle of misfit girls trying to win a trophy. I cheer for this sort of cinematic candy corn.
You can imagine my surprise when not 5 minutes into this heartwarming tale I am blasted in the face with the most unexpected, most graphic projectile vomit scene I have seen since “Stand By Me” ruined blueberry pie forever.
In this movie there are 3 vomit scenes. THREE…just when I calm down from the first onslaught another one is literally hurled in my direction. I would have walked out if I didn’t absolutely NEED to know if the snarky goth girl lets down her guard for the sheepishly romantic nerd guy. ( I don’t want to ruin it for you but….. she does)
Does this vomit make a slippery slope? ( ewww ) If we add V for vomit in movie ratings, will we suddenly have to bend to everyones personal pet peeves…What about clowns…I know people who are terrified of clowns, Rated C for clowns…or S for spiders….I don’t like it when people brush their teeth in front of me (Rated GTB for Gratuitous Teeth Brushing) and I hate when someone looks in the mirror and there is a scary person standing behind them.. Rated UR for Unexpected Reflection. I ask myself, is it going too far to expect explicit ratings on movies. And I have Drawn this conclusion…. We list the ingredients of our foods on the packaging. It helps us make decisions for our health and our families…Some of us will continue to ignore the calorie content of a Dove bar…but the point is we have the choice to know. I think the ingredients of a film are just as valuable. I would have saved myself A lot of angst had I been able to choose a vomit free movie… I also would have been able to enjoy the butternut squash soup I had for lunch the next day without feeling like it …looked familiar. Thank You in advance for your consideration in this important matter.
Sincerely,
ED HOSE
A few Movies that would benefit from a V rating.
8 mile
The Wedding Singer
Stand By Me
The Sixth Sense
Supertroopers
Apollo 13
Porkys 2
Witches of Eastwick
Heathers
Caddyshack
The Crying game
I Love You Man
The Excorcist
Team America
Parenthood
10 things I hate about you
