If you were to stand beneath a jet engine while listening to a rock concert in a wind tunnel over a mining field, You would find it half as loud as the backseat of my minivan. I have two boys, ages 7 and 8. Two boys in the back of a minivan register 137 decibels. ( enough to trigger a small earthquake).
I used to scream to be quiet. BEEE QUIET !!! I would scream it louder and louder until the irony punched me in the throat rendering me hoarse. I would pull the car over and shake a finger, red in the face, angry like bull. But then I learned a trick.
Zone out. Zoning Out is the secret of the universe. It is the secret to happiness in the face of adversity, peace during turmoil and a quiet car ride. I mean, it’s not loud if you aren’t listening.
That is why I didn’t hear my boys 30 minute jinx battle. “Jinx, Jinx, Jinx, Jinx”. Until At a red light I realized that the word “Jinx” had muddled into what sounds exactly like “Drinks”
Yes! Drinks, That is what I snapped into hearing. “Drinks, Drinks, Drinks, Drinks” Like a frat house jeer from my backseat.” Drinks, Drinks, Drinks, Drinks, Drinks!” Don’t mind if I do, I thought to myself.
The mini-frat boys in the backseat warmed my heart.
My Kids are the first kids I have ever hung out with, I didn’t know they would say and do such great things. I just thought they would be these things that I feed until eventually they take care of me in my old age.
I think it was the day my son thought postage stamps were stickers, that I realized I might have something here.
When my son taught me you could make pants out of permanent markers. I realized I had made a genius in my belly.
I began to see the brilliance everywhere, in everything they did. One of them wore envelopes like shoes.
Do you have any idea how much money you can save on shoes if you just stick envelopes on your kids feet?
The other night I walked into the boys bedroom, I had already tucked them in…but I heard what sounded like a kid stabbing a cardboard box with a screwdriver. That was in fact exactly what I discovered. My youngest son was in a box, on a bed, poking holes in it. He didn’t treat me like the idiot I clearly am, when I asked why? He simply stated “Oh, cause it’s like sleeping under the stars”
So even though they still get stuck in their shirt.
Like every time they put one on.
In ways I didn’t know were possible.
And even though they rather catch worms than fish.
And they can’t pronounce the “t”sound in peanuts. SO sometimes they just sit on the side of the road staring at their gas station ice cream cones crying ” I hate Peanus ” to everyone who walks by.
And they scared away every potential boyfriend, including the mailman, by quickly latching on and asking ” Are you my new daddy?”
And they have made sure everyone in the whole store knows how much I love Q-tips!
And they are thrilled to announce when they find someone in public to whom they can point and exclaim “Look mom! She’s the same kind of fat as you!”
I have drawn the conclusion that it is the wonderfully odd behaviors, the incredibly annoying mishaps and the unintentional humiliations that make kids so great.
It is the bag of shredded cheese that I found stuffed in my couch, the midnight legos that I step on and the proof of wild imaginations that linger in my bathtub…that I miss as they grow up. I’m sure they will continue to annoy and embarrass me as they age…but one day… they are gonna wake up and be able to put all their clothes on correctly, and they wont scream for me to get their foot out of an armhole..and that will be a sad day.
That will also be the day I begin to sew the legs of their underwear shut.
