In early 2001 there was a wedding expo at a convention center somewhere in New Jersey. If you happened to be there….I’m sorry….You may remember the big booth in the entryway, it said “Kissing Contest” Win a FREE TRIP TO ARUBA 4pm. Main Stage.   I was there with my then fiance ( now ex- husband ) we’ll call him Shmim…. The minute I saw the sign..I grabbed his hand…I just KNEW we were going to Aruba..I could feel it.

    Let me paint a picture for you. I was going thru my curtain dress with purple sweatpants phase. I wore polka dot socks and my GOOD clogs . I could have graced the cover of any number of magazines “Plus Sized Thrift Shopper” or “Cat Lady Without Cats” I think I look adorable….but then …I very seldom stand in a line up next to super models. If you were there you would nod in agreement…the stage was filled with couples that walked off the set of Dawson’s Creek.  They were coiffed and pedicured, tight jeaned and high heeled. The men had muscles trying to escape their sleeves. I was 5ft 5 206 pounds…Shmim at 6ft 5 inches clocked in at 130 pounds (if you weighed him down with rolls of coins, a bowling ball and a cast iron skillet).  We looked like we had gotten lost looking for the buffet and stumbled into a fashion show in progress….but I was undeterred. I could taste Aruba.

So the first couple go center stage and he whisks her into his arms like they are going to tango, she falls back in the most sensual dip you have ever seen to receive a kiss that is the envy of cheesy romance cover’s everywhere. I begin to sweat.
    The next couple do a twirl and he lifts her overhead dirty dancing style…the crowd goes wild. I turn to Shmim and say ” listen..I am going to pick you up, you should run, jump into my arms, wrap your spindly spider legs around my waist ..it will be hilarious” Shmim replies ” Absolutely No Way” I beg with my eyes “Will NOT ever happen” batting my eyes “No, no way, do not ask again” So I instantly repeat myself. I am now pulling on his arm begging him to do it my way as the crowd is cheering for the current couple on stage. The current couple dance with the Joffrey Ballet it would seem. All of these woman are inflatable, they are spinning on man fingers above heads. 15,000 brides to be are still cheering for the acrobatic performance of the last couple as Shmim and I prepare to kiss…his plan..is just simply to kiss me, and he seems thrilled..like he is about to perform CPR on a toothless hobo or something…he leans down and I go renegade..I step back…just a little. just enough so that I can gain some momentum..I come at him arms flailing and wrap them around his waist. Have you ever tried to pick someone up that doesn’t want to be picked up. He has willed his feet to the ground. I grunt. I try again. I think, if I can get him off balance I can pick him up and we can win this damn thing.  So I lean my weight forward and we both topple to the ground…The stage shakes. I lose a clog. The crowd is silent. I get on top of him, and decide it would be funny if I made a pounce like gesture, like a cat. Straddling him I raise my hands up like “grrrrrrrr” I lean forward and attack his mouth with my tongue. There are no hoots, no hollers. Finally the MC ends it with a ” Thank you couple number 4″ and we stand up, red faced and rug burned.

The moments waiting for the audience decision by applause include some of the darkest inner thoughts I have ever had. We stood under MC hand, when it was our turn…nothing.  Crickets. I thought I heard a clap, but it could have been the sound of doors slamming as the silence sucked the air out of the room….We did not win the trip to Aruba. Shmim and I escaped out the back door vowing never to speak of the kissing contest again.

But I HAD to tell you that story…in order to tell you THIS story… Last night I wrote a skit…. And performed it at my local bar and grill. It was a Parody of “The Dating Game” Just a little teaser to Trivia Night ..Game show themed trivia….but naturally..I took it too far*.   I wrote a complex 5 page dating game script that was so weird, perverted and convoluted that the “bachelor” himself bailed out of the game.  So the best bartender in the world stepped in reading the lines…It was fantastically strange…I have no idea what it must have been like to sit in that audience. Just like I have no idea what it must have been like to watch me fat cat attack my ex-husband at a wedding convention. I do know what it felt like in my head……” Hmmmm , well now this is interesting, not going as planned, nope…not quite going as I thought it would”

In my head..while writing the script…I heard laughter. I heard howling. I saw milk coming out of noses.
It was a script full of ….” I have a  Justin Bieber tattoo … Its right above my Bieber” …..so maybe it’s not comedy gold..but I thought somebody would be drunk enough to find it funny.


I have drawn the conclusion that not everything comes out how I imagine it will be. Art, Marriage, Haircuts. Sometimes thoughts turn wonky when they hit the air …but the awkward moments are every bit as important as the raving successes. They are where the learning lives… It was a cute skit, no one threw up. I got to wear goth make-up and a dog collar..it was a good time.  But it was not at all what I saw in my head.


* For any one disappointed that I wasn’t on a REAL Dating Game…..I apologize…but I would NEVER in a million years sign up for something like that…because this one time, I entered a kissing contest and…..