Of my 5 pairs of shoes, 2 pairs of them are clogs. I have a pair of Good clogs ( also known as “sexy clogs”) and a pair of Bad clogs ( also known as ” the reason I don’t have a boyfriend clogs” ).  No one has ever asked me what the difference is…but I believe everyone really wants to know.

Good Clogs…Ooh they are soo good. They are red and therefore fancy….made of leather so kind of bourgeoisie. The soles are 100% polyurethane! Which is in fact the same material used to make marshmellows and clouds…I mean, I assume. Walking in these fancy red shoes is like wearing butter canoes on a river of happiness.  Bonus, a few months ago I was making robot costumes and I accidentally spray painted my feet silver…and the bottom of my pants….and all the plants in my yard.  It was a fast swipe of the spray can which left the clogs looking somewhat grey and dirty….they have a “just dropped in dish water” kind of look that goes with EVERYTHING.  However since the spray painting incident .. when I describe them as my good sexy clogs, I am always met with a strange look. For me, knowing they are part silver, and that silver is almost like glitter, I basically walk around in glitter shoes. This explains why sometimes it just seems like I walking on glitter. It is an inner glow.

Bad Clogs… Here is a sad truth about life and aging…and the reason I am relieved to NOT be a young vegas headlining showgirl…..These bad clogs…they were once my good clogs!  In their heyday they were so shiny and full of promis. They had a super new age side vent so you could see if your foot was really in your shoe…and also maybe for air circulation. They had the wonderful magic gummy bear sole and together me and my shoes would laugh at any pair of high heels we stood close to. Time passed. I wore my clogs to the beach, to the pool, the dentist, the club, the restaurants, I went to Hawaii…I wore only my clogs. “Just because you can…doesn’t mean you should”…I would think briefly before putting them on with my dressy dresses. I dripped paint on them. I dripped more paint…eventually the soles wore down, it looked like I had chewed on them cookie style. It is possible one of the creatures that came with my house could have chewed holes in em?…It wasn’t me. I dripped more paint. Then one day the air vents stopped working. They began to flap outward, with every step the meaty part of my foot escaped out the side of my shoe. When I picked my foot up, it would go back in back in…somehow this felt trombone-like in its musicality. The air vents stopped working in other ways too…or someone rubbed blue cheese in my shoes. I can smell my shoes when my feet are in them …and I am 5ft 5 inches away from them…unless Im stretching…thats a long way for a smell to waft. Sometimes when I wear these shoes people I don’t know hand me dollar bills in the street. ( you don’t need stripper heels to make the benjamins )
   
I have drawn the conclusion that it may be time to retire my bad clogs. When they stop containing your feet I think they lose their status as shoes.  I will be very excited to introduce my new replacements when the time comes.  It occurred to me while waxing romantic about my clogs…that their very name is synonymous with being stuck. As in “my drain is clogged”* I am wondering if wearing clogs at all is a good idea? maybe I will switch to mules in hopes of getting around better.

* Yes I know! A clogged drain IS an excellent idea for a drawing.