I am so very mad that I am not a ravioli heir.  Mad that I am not the 4th generation of hardworking family pasta makers, that I have not toiled for years perfecting the shape of my ziti, or building an empire upon my legendary spaghetti.  Because now it just seems like an overwhelming venture.

If I went out right this minute and bought some durum flour, a thing of semolina, a bunch of niacin and riboflavin, could I do it?  I wonder what aisle they keep the thiamine mononitrate in? I also need a big pot and a rolling pin and an apron and some signs. I need business cards, and a business license and a name. A good gay pasta name. Like …. Huge Penne.
   
“Put this Huge Penne in your mouth and enjoy Al Dente”…Camera pans to a guy wearing a ” Hello my name is Al” sticker.   I have never wanted to be a pasta mogul so bad in my life.

On Wednesday the chairman of Barilla the corporate pasta giant, was asked on a radio show if he would ever use a homosexual couple in his advertising….and he said no.  He went on to say something about his pasta being more for classic families…and then went on to shine a spotlight on the importance of women and the fundamental role they play. “the woman plays a central role in a family” he says in defense of his anti gay comments which is so interesting to me cause, umm duh…..but also umm …lesbians.

I’m actually not mad at Guido Barilla. He reminds me of like an old distant out of touch relative that occasionally drops the N-word.  I’m embarrassed for his beliefs.  That may not be fair, but I just think my beliefs are so much better than his.  Especially in regards to gay families adopting children, which he opposes. Who the freaking what in the dang nabbit opposes adoption.

Personally I think gay families are natures pretty tidy solution to a problem, you got some babies who can not conjure their own grown people and some grown people who can not conceive their own babies. I could match that shit up all day long.  Why is this even still an issue?

I like the idea that you can be a person, have some beliefs, make a product, sell your product and still have your beliefs.  I like that, because I want that.

It’s funny, before the Barilla debacle I didn’t really have a gay pasta agenda…I always thought if I were to own a pasta company I would run a campaign entirely on how useful my pasta is for preschool crafts and handmade necklaces.

But Now. Now it would be all gay all the time.  I would change the name Rigatoni to simply Tony, I would sell it in conjunction with meatballs and hot sausage….and then I realize. Pasta is already gay. Like the gayest of foods, save maybe for the cantaloupe. Men have been swallowing miles of noodles and gnawing on meatballs together since the dawn of time.  Stuffed shells! seriously have you ever really looked at them right out of the oven or licked the cheese out of the middle? And Bowties don’t get me started. Hello what straight guy has even worn a bow tie since the 50’s.

I have drawn the conclusion true change isn’t about just boycotting Barilla, but in making pasta more gay, owning it like the rainbow and the triangle.  Amazon has a $79 pasta maker, I figure with that, a small factory, a great logo and 3 million dollars or so, I could get my Huge Penne in the mouths of Americans everywhere. Or we could all just decide to celebrate the gayness of other pastas, there has to be a pasta company with better personal opinions… I for one would like to see them rise to the top and Barilla…more as a bottom.