The last time I wrote about my fear, I was under it. You can read about it here if you wish.  I had not driven over a bridge in 6 months. That is an interesting feat when you live on the coast surrounded by islands.

My life was becoming smaller every day. First I couldn’t drive to one island, then another and one day while sitting at an ordinary red light, I started to panic, the light was not changing color fast enough….apparently I am severely allergic to waiting for lights to change. My throat closed, I couldn’t breath. I say it like that because it feels that true. Like death is on the doorstep reaching through a chain lock with gnarly horror show death fingers.  The next day I was afraid to wait at a red light…If I kept on this path I would end up trapped in my hallway, crushed by the weight of my own fear.  If I could bottle my fear I would sell it to prisons, they could save a ton of money on walls…

I saw a picture once of a box and way outside the box was a dot…under the box it said “comfort zone” under the dot said ” where the magic happens” This image really spoke to me as I pride myself in thinking outside the box….but I was having a heck of a time living out there.

 I sought help everywhere I could find it, I saw therapists and doctors, I tried medicine after medicine, when I lost my health insurance I went to the place that poor people go when they turn crazy…..that made me NOT want to be crazy…I don’t want to stand in a crazy people line…I want my crazy to be unique thank you very much.  Nothing helped. No..Xanex helped…but not really, because I still had the fears. I wanted to be fearless. I wanted to not be terrified of leaving my comfort zone.

  I wish I could tell a dramatic story, Like one day I drove over the bridge and I was cured, now I skydive while eating allergens and camp in graveyards.  But the truth of the matter is…I’m still scared. The difference is…..I can handle it.
     I learned that in a book called ” Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” by Susan Jeffers. I wish I read this book 20 years ago,  I had NO IDEA I COULD HANDLE IT…..Seriously the thought never occurred to me that every fear I have, even the worst of the worst…whatever it is I can handle it…who tells you that?  I really didn’t know because I have spent a lifetime giving my power away. Here you take it, you pay my bills and change my light bulbs and tell me I’m pretty….You love me or don’t love me, You decide if I am good enough.  What I read showed me how flawed my thinking was…It reiterated what I read in the book ” When Panic Attacks ” By David D. Burns

“You have to change the way you think to change the way you Feel.”

I started to really question my thinking, and that questioning led me over a lot of bridges…I used to describe the fear as a fight, I need to conquer this, to overcome , it was a bloody battle…but I don’t fight it anymore, I just nod in its direction…oh I see you irrational fear , yeah I feel your stranglehold on my throat..I can handle this discomfort, I can deal with being uncomfortable…it’s not nearly as triumphant a breakthrough as I long for , but I can tell you I am not trapped in my neighborhood anymore. I am not taking any of the devils medication. ( I have heard they help millions of people…but I think anti-depressants are made from nightmares mined in the depths of hell )  I am driving over bridges with sweaty palms and knotted belly, sometimes crying, sometimes screaming….there hasn’t been a release of fear like I expected or hoped for….I just Do It Anyway…..I am just reading, learning and putting one foot in front of the other.

Fear has become a hobby (note* it freaks out strangers when you tell them fear is your hobby) ….I have become a student of it, so curious, where it comes from.
I am strangely grateful for my phobias…they are invisible walls, oh how much farther can I grow, now that I can see them, I can scale them.

I hesitate posting this. It is not particularly entertaining.  But I wanted to make sure that anyone who knew I was stuck under the crumbled ruble of my own fright…knew also that I have been digging myself out, seeing the light. I have drawn the conclusion that if sharing what has helped me, helps just one person out there…it is worth boring all the rest of ya to tears. If you need lighter reading check out my ramblings on where not to stick your balls.
   
Also I would like to thank my father. This is long over due..I recognize the huge impact that this last trip to visit him had on my life, I was so scared, and I wanted him to take care of me, drive me, pay for me, enable me,  I was so angry at any turn that he wouldn’t do that for me. He refused to be manipulated by my fear.   I was forced to confront my fears, to stare them down and decide which kind of person I wanted to be. On the side of the road in a rental car outside the Philadelphia Airport I have what can probably be described as ” A moment of opacity” I was so afraid I couldn’t see clearly..I was afraid of the highway driving, the bridges and the impending sense of doom that crawled from my core, I sat clenching the steering wheel trying to breath, I made several attempts to merge into traffic I couldn’t do it. I actually dialed but did not press 911…I couldn’t figure out how to move…I could not hit the gas, I seriously thought I needed to be airlifted to safety…I was not ready….I knew it was a crossroads….”ED if you do not go down this road you are giving up on your freedom! DO not give up on your life and your dreams, hit the gas, put the car in drive and go…………..finally I did it, I cried all the way to NJ.  When I arrived my father handed me the “Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway” book…It has been to date the greatest gift he has ever given to me….much greater then the comfort I longed for…The book offered me a new outlook, hope, and a window into a world full of tools to help me harness the power within.  Thanks Dad!