I don’t watch television. I prefer to stare at a wall and over think unnecessary tidbits.  So when news of my friends 35th Barbie and Ken themed birthday party hit the inbox, I became obsessed.  It was like a new channel was added to my thought rotation. The following is an excerpt

This was a Flipside Barbie party and the possibilities were endless.  I instantly decided to dress up as Binge Eating Barbie, stuff candy bars in my hair and carry a doritoes bag like a purse. When it was mentioned that maybe that is ” Just a little too close to home ED ” I decided to explore other ideas…When I was a kid I “invented” a make -up barbie bust called Blackhead Barbie, that you could fill with sebum and then extract…You could endlessly pop pimples and blackheads and even use an extractor…..I still want this toy to go into production soo bad. But it’s a terrible idea for a costume,  even though Back-ne (back- acne ) Barbie sounds great and I do have a strapless ball gown!  I just couldn’t see showing up anywhere with additional blemishes and really feeling… confident….SO I started thinking about what kind of Barbies you never see.  I don’t know why Butcher Barbie came shining down to me. But once she landed I could not deny her existence. I am going to be Bad Butcher Barbie…and I don’t know why.

     I had a few arguably better ideas, like shrimp on the Barbie, where I would cover myself with fishnets and shrimp lures. maybe some shrimp skewers in my hair.   I really liked this idea and most of the people I talked to said, yes Shrimp on the Barbie is the way to go..but Butcher Barbie I couldn’t shake her from my mind. Did it all come down to arm fat, no! yes…maybe…everything comes down to arm fat …and Butcher Barbie wears a coat.

      Sometimes I have an idea, it doesn’t matter if its good or bad, it just gets stuck in my teeth and the only way to get rid of it, is really get in there ya know.  I get these blinders on,  and I HAVE to Join the Navy, Legally change my name to Capital ED, Paint the countertops or Dress up like Butcher Barbie….have to.
   So, considering my love of replica foods, I have had a prized possession T-bone steak and just added from there, I made a fake meat bandolier and then I ran into a problem…superstition..
   I wanted to insinuate that Barbie butchered Ken, I was going to carry the severed head of ken, cause yeah, clearly I’m going through something.   But I have phobias and superstitions which when I tell you, you will literally shake your head and say to yourself ” WHY WOULD YOU MAKE THIS COSTUME if you are afraid of knives, carrying knives, or looking at knives, and WHY would you want to carry a severed head when you are terrified of severed heads and severed limbs in general”? Yes there are some questions……Like why do you love replica body parts but hate severed limbs, why do you Love replica raw meat, but real raw meat makes you gag?  Why is it ok for you to gag, but if someone else gags, you don’t want to be friends?

side note* I LOVE Pirates, I subscribe to a pirate magazine, one time when I was very poor I spent my last doubloons to buy pirate garb so that I could live like my authentic self. But I hate to look at skulls and crossbones, they give me the heebie jeebies, skulls, bones, anything that reminds me of death…and here I was thinking about death…so I had to get creative.

I drew a picture of a Barbie carrying a knife in my costume logo ( what’s an idea without a logo) I put said bad butcher logo on my back so I wouldn’t have to see it…Then instead of carrying a severed head, or  stuffing bloody fingers in my tiara I made a bag of beef jerky with a Ken Jerky label. problem solved. Oh how I love to solve a Barbie Problem. Off to the party I go Ken-less (aside from the jerky). I show up fashionably late, to find I am the ONLY barbie there. I assume it is the worlds GREATEST prank…but eventually wet tee shirt Barbie turned the corner and I was right at home.. I had a wonderful time, even though I didn’t bring my sketchbook, and it was all i could think about…I try not to draw at weddings or funerals…but I think birthday parties are gonna be fair game, If I would have been drawing I could have rocked out for hours, instead I got exhausted.  

I have drawn the conclusion that I needed to get this idea out of my head, what a success, now I never need to wear that again.

*Note…if you are ever wondering what it is like to be married to me, picture leaving a clean home in the morning and coming home to a house entirely splattered in red paint, a bathroom that looks like a crime scene and a shower curtain that will never be the same.