I learned a new word last week. I don’t know how I got to be so old without having heard it before. It means “a disturbance of the comprehension and formulation of language” which can manifest as an inability to remember a word….I keep forgetting it.  You know when you know exactly what you want to say, but cant find the word for it….right on the tip of your tongue..so frustrating.  That word is aphasia….that it keeps slipping my mind, has me a little bit worried.
  
 But not as worried as my mother would be, if it happened to her.   My beautiful, brilliant, amazing mom came to visit this weekend.  She has been losing her mind for over 30 years. At least that is what she says. She once paid for some drive thru chicken,  then drove off without retrieving it and that was the beginning of the end.

  In my family, we don’t know what normal is….so I don’t know what to compare her to.  I always suspected that my mother does not have dementia, and instead is just quirky,creative and full of distracting thoughts. But on this last visit, with both of us on the look out for signs of failing memory, we spotted it. Often. She called the car seats “chairs” she called the median strip “the silver” , she opened the trunk of her car instead of the side door, and we both howled with laughter. “Why are you looking in the trunk ma?” she looks at me and we laugh, cause its funny….and then we sit quiet, cause it’s not funny.

    Over a light lunch with heavy conversation, my mom asked me to tell the story of my life in just 6 words. A creative writing exercise. I thought I did good to come up with  “I Think I’m My Only Obstacle” but hers really moved me. My mothers autobiography in 6 words. ” Mind Is Fading, Heart Is Expanding”
    I realized in that moment how tormented she has been by the fear that her mind is slipping away, and also how incredibly hopeful and optimistic she is. She does not dwell in sadness, she acknowledges it and moves on. She could have said ” Mind Is Fading, Life Sucks Now” but she would never, she could have said
 ” Mind Fading, What Was I Saying?” but that’s more my style than hers….. I admire this in my mother, she adapts, she looks for bright sides, she is a master problem solver. I say she is a master because she can find ways to “fix ” any problem, but additionally she can find ways to change her view of a problem, if you don’t see it as a problem then its not. If you see it as an opportunity, and gift that is what it becomes.
     My mom thinks about the things no one wants to think about, with a wonderful curiosity.  She asked me this weekend  how I would feel if the tests she is undergoing come back positive for Alzheimer’s. This is a love letter to my mom in answer of the question,

Mom, I don’t want you to worry for one minute how things will be if you lose your mind completely. I will continue to poke fun at you, cherish your embarrassing moments and keep a tally of all the things you do that make me laugh.  I will bring you with me everywhere, Introduce you as a woman enjoying a new plain of existence,  if you start wandering away, I will get us a leash. I your speech gets muddled, I will translate for you ” She says she wants a cappuccino and that you have a nice butt” If you forget where you are, I will draw you a map, if you forget who you are, I will show you a picture of tinker bell, If you forget what you want to eat, I will feed you blueberries, If you say over and over again that blueberries are a super food, it will be like every other day that you have said that whenever someone brings up blueberries.  If you forget how to do your make-up I will do it for you…. like the members of KISS.  I’m kidding, you don’t need make-up you are beautiful as you are. If you forget the kids names, we will call them whatever you decide for the day, If you call the dog a table, we will call the dog a table, making an exquisite game of your memory lapses…to the point that we will be disappointed if you get it all right.  We will make sure you have the constant enjoyments that put you in the present like ocean breezes and green tea ice cream, and we will talk about those things that we are doing right now, not in the forgotten past or in the uncertain future….and in caring for you, we too will become more present, our lives will be enriched simply from loving you.
      I have drawn the conclusion that not being able to find the right words, and replacing them with others is a beautiful form of poetry.  So do not worry if you think you are losing your mind as you get older……decide instead that you are becoming a poet.