I readily disclose my aversion to all things mayonnaise, I am open about my struggle with bridges, my fear of rancid mutton,  the horror that is an ant bite. Being my friend means you will be awakened with panicked phone calls like this ” I think I ate poisoned borax noodles” or ” Can you come over and tell me if my throat is closing” or ” Can you die from sucking on someones dirty fingers,…… well what if they had just pulled up dirty carpet…….my throat is closing?”  So think long and hard before you add me on facebook, because that aint even the kinda crazy I’m talking about.

This is the crazy I got going on.  I LOVE PIRATES, I love old piratical things, long beards, scurvy, compasses and treasure maps. But I HATE to look at skulls and crossbones. I don’t like to be reminded of death. This is a conundrum. For the most part it is not too hard to avoid skull and crossbones…but sometimes they sneak into my life. The other day I ordered a cup of tea from my favorite restaurant and it came in a special hot pink skull and crossbones mug…picked out I am certain by someone thought I was funky cool and would totally dig it, and I almost did, I love that I was thought of special…but then…and here comes the crazy…I had to send it back.  Yes, you heard that… I had to send back the coffee mug because I am too superstitious to drink out of a skull and crossbones mug. What if I choked to death? I can not handle the irony.  So amongst shaking heads and forced smiles  ” anything for you crazy ED”  I am given a new mug. ( funny my replacement mug had a rower on it…sculling…but that’s fine, I guess)

So anyway, I am superstitious about dead things, and skulls and I also LOVE vanilla. So Today I am in a store and I try on this fantastic perfume that I really like, vanilla and sandalwood, delish! The name of the perfume is “Dead Sexy” and it was, and while the name made me uncomfortable, I imagined that if I wore this perfume men would throw gift certificates at me and beg me to go out with them…Then I look at the box and there it is, skull and crossbones…I shrink into the shadows and hurry out of the store. On the way home I think about maybe giving up my superstition, that is how much I liked this perfume. 

I begin preparing my lunch when I get the heebie jeebies. I notice the stillness across the room. I have been fish sitting for the best neighbor in the world. You may recall my recent chicken sitting incident and wonder why anyone would leave me in charge of anything…I mean right?   SO I peek into the little tank just to make sure he’s not sleeping and sure enough, I had killed the fish.. Clearly this is because I tried on the perfume of death.

 It is Very difficult to eat pork loin and a sweet potato with a dead fish looking at you. I realize I am ill equipped for these situations and I briefly wish I were married. Who can I marry real quick who could dispose of my fish. I scan the contacts in my phone. Please don’t make me do this alone.  I already kill my own spiders ( well I just ignore them… but it kills them inside), I take out my own garbage and mow my own grass. ( Once) ….I just can not dispose of this fish.