Tonight’s conversation about meat with someone who really understands me.
Me: I Just bought Buy One Get One Free Meat on sale, I thought I would make a roast with potatoes and carrots, so I go to sear the meat and I think it’s bad, It was brown and it made me gag when I opened it, but the date on it said it was good, so I convinced myself it was good, but it smells bad, It is a lot of meat and I don’t know what to do?
Him: Well I am torn here, really divided with what to say.
Me: OK, say both.
Him: Both, hmmm, OK…first of all, the meat is fine. It is totally good, cook it up, make your roast, it will be delicious. Really.
Me: Really you think it is ok? It looks funny and it smells bad.
Him: Absolutely it is fine, good meat, I can just tell over the phone, there is nothing wrong with it don’t worry.
Me: And…..
Him: Get your garbage can right now and throw it out immediately.
Me: Why?
Him: Well If you cook that meat and take one bite, you will freak out, you will be certain it was really bad, no matter how delicious it tastes, and how normal it is….you will develop a stomach ache, you will come down with a sudden rash, you will call it meat rash, you will think a giant meat worm has invaded your body, you will have cold sweats and spend much of the day rocking back and forth holding your stomach afraid you are going to die. There might be an ambulance call. You will cry.
Me: ….(what can I say)
Him: And you can’t serve it to anyone either because you will be terrified that you are serving tainted meat and that all your friends would get sick.
Me: Ughhh, the worst part about this is the accuracy.
I hang up the phone, forlorn. I have no choice but to throw out the meat. Meat that could feed an entire neighborhood….or kill one……There is a rancid meat potpourri permeating my house. I turn off the stove leaving the meat to cool, to throw away in the morning because I always feel like anyone who throws garbage away in the middle of the night is up to no good.
I try to sleep. And then I get the meat smells. THIS is how I know there is something wrong with me ….Meat smells…I’m laying in my bed and the smell of spoiled meat is so strong I can not sleep. I visualize the meat smell wafting down the hallway like a toxic gas, just inhaling it is making me ill…Like really ill, I toss and turn, I smell my own hand, I put on lotion so that my hand smells better, but all I smell is meat and blood and poisoned meat gas. So I go and check on the meat. I decide to put it in a garbage bag, which I do by opening the bag and pouring the pan into it and OH NO..RANCID MEAT JUICE DISASTER….I am standing barefoot in my kitchen. It is 2 am. I think I might pass out from toxic meat fumes and I have just poured luke warm meat juice all over my feet and into open wounds. A few days ago I had a shoe incident, There are some cuts on my feet, one of them was re-injured just hours ago when a frozen loaf of bread launched itself at my toes. I didn’t think much of it because I wasn’t expecting to POUR MEAT JUICE DOWN MY LEG….I don’t even know what kind of mutated E coli situation can occur within my own person. I want to google “cow meat juices in open human wounds” but I am already afraid someone will look at my google history and have me arrested..Also deep down I know that whatever I read will send me running for zanax. As I sit here I feel the mad cow disease working its way under my skin…. even though I have thoroughly scrubbed my feet with hydrogen peroxide, and slathered them in virtual socks of neosporin. I have drawn the conclusion that nature wants me to be a vegetarian… I hear you nature…LOUD AND CLEAR.
