Dearest Sunbeam, maker of electric blankets, allow me to introduce myself. My name is ED HOSE (but I am a girl) and I have been a fan… no a staunch believer and devoted admirer of your magic life-changing blankets for 5 years now.
I had used one years ago, spending many childhood evenings wrapped in it’s static embrace. It was the sort of blanket one might use as a wall, should the side of the house collapse. A thick mealy horse blanket that caught up your toenails and smelled like forgotten people. If you dove quickly under the covers you could see actual lightening in the bed. It was the 70s…somehow I survived.
I have lived a good life, full of central heating and air, until about 6 years ago when I found myself in a more character building experience. It was during this time that I was gifted one of your amazing electric blankets.
To date it is the greatest, most thoughtful gift I have ever received. There were many nights I praised the name of the giver of this gift. She altered my life. Now when I find someone in need of comfort, an actual comforter is the only thing that will do. I would buy one for everyone if I could. It is the perfect gift.
I abandoned my study: On which layering process of different types of traditional blankets keeps one the warmest. I plugged in my brand new gifted Sunbeam and experienced nirvana.
The sweetest dreams I have ever had, great nights, warm mornings were my new normal. Even a frigid midnight trip to the bathroom was rewarded by crawling back into the most comfy cozy bed.
I can not begin to tell you how important this electric blanket became in my life. It was my highlight, and my hero. Honestly who needs a boyfriend if you have an electric blanket. It filled every void. Sad, lonely or dejected from another horrible internet date…no worries I would hop in my warm bed and be wrapped in luxury. I didn’t need a man for nothing. My blanket was a thick plush version, the kind that you would covet even without electricity. You have come a LONG way from the lightning toenail pee-smell horse blankets of 1979, Good on you Sunbeam!
So you can imagine my devastation when after 5 human years (55 in blanket years) my beloved stopped responding to my touch. I couldn’t turn it on anymore, the spark was fading. Eventually towards the end of winter it stopped working altogether. Granted, I was hard on that blanket, it survived numerous washings. It had visible holes which I can only attribute to my sharpe wit. Or that sometimes I come to bed with pens and pencils. It left me with a few nights to reminisce with my old friends the “sleep scarf” and “bed hat”. I was so cold one night I laid in bed and cried…. and my tears turned to ice cubes right on my face….. little tear shaped facicles. It’s true.
Over the spring I worked hard. I saved up a little pile of money. I had forethought, I had planning, I am a damn adult. I purchased my own electric blanket for myself on November 17th 2016 after months of tedious research. I read amazon reviews for electric blankets the way one might read the entire 50 Shades of Grey series in a weekend. I was riveted, addicted maybe. It is a very difficult decision to know what degree of plushness one might prefer without touching anything, but I trusted my people. ( the sort of people who write blanket reviews)
I finally decided on the
The day my blanket arrived was so joyous.
It was as if I had an actual Sunbeam in my own heart! I knew I would be warm and comfy this winter. I knew even if I was alone in my bed, I wouldn’t FEEL alone, because I would have my blanket whispering ” I love you ED, I am here for you” in my pink warm and comfy ear.
Which leads me to say ” WHAT THE #*!/% DOGNABBIT SAMHILL PIECE OF !$#*!# IS THIS %8#! BLANKET” Excuse my language. I mean What is going on here? This is nothing like the blanket I was gifted 5 years ago which restored my faith in all humanity, no no this is something else entirely.
I don’t even know how to describe it other than a Virtual Reality Blanket of Fibromyalgia for people who don’t suffer from it but are curious how it might feel. This Blanket is like a chemical burn from inside out. This blanket is like rubbing balloons on a passing cat and then passing the balloons over your own head. It makes the hair stand up on my head and arms. It makes parasites come alive under my skin, it alters the consistency of my blood and makes me queasy with it’s green electric heat.
This blanket physically hurts. I wake up from brief glimpses of sleep with large patches of burning skin. Not visible burns mind you! but subtle inexplicable invisible burnt feeling burns. And no I have not been to a doctor for these invisible burning spots because my fake Thanksgiving appendicitis already filled my hypochondria quota for the season.
Please note the coconut bra and grass skirt were added only so that you wouldn’t have to look at me naked.
The Owww section of my right thigh being the most troublesome portion of my new blanket gout. It feels like good leg meat got lightly seared in a cast iron pan. I am not telling my Dr. that. I am not.
It feels like maybe I am being radiated? like the creepy feeling you get when you stand too close to the microwave or walk under power lines. I really really need to know what is going on here?
Did they change the formula for making electric blankets? Did someone forget to coat the wires in a protective whoosiwhat? Did someone prank a physicist or alter an equation?
When I ask Dear Sunbeam are you OK? I’m asking ARE YOU OK OVER THERE? Like is someone having a bad day? And I am not just asking Are YOU ok…. I am asking AM I? Sunbeam Am I ok here? Is this burning radioactive hair-raising spine tingling creepy crawly scream factor of a blanket…. ok? Is it normal? Am I being medical tested on without my consent? Was this blanket intercepted on its way to slowly assassinate someone and accidentally rerouted to my address.
Or Have I in my old age developed a sensitivity to electricity? Should I join the school for XMEN now? I mean what is this life? Do I need a medical alert bracelet? can I not operate electrical devices? Does this have to do with my recent Hysterectomy? Do I have hormonal flashes all over my body triggered by plush microfiber blankets? Did my faulty uterus provide safe haven for radioactive instability and without it the electrical charge just makes me jittery?
Is it me that has changed? or is it YOU Sunbeam?
Surely I am not the only one? There must be others like me?
I can not be the last Gelfling ?
I plead with you, what is going on?
Now I realize I may have put my old electric blanket/gift from the gods on a little bit of a pedestal. My memory places it looking something like this. And I tell you this, not to poke fun but with sincerest hopes that you will get to the root cause of my horrible visceral full body reaction to the blanket that now lies on my bed.
My old blanket was Large and lofty like a ginormous towering deli sandwich.
The new blanket arrived looking much like a prison bologna on stale bread that could make you gag while simultaneously electrocuting you.
I hope you can get to the bottom of this mystery soon. For in addition to ruining several nights of sleep, the discussion of this electric blanket has also ruined one Hanukkah party and 2 phone calls. Apparently there is a limit to the amount of blanket related symptoms one can share with polite company. At this rate I will be freezing cold with no friends. Thanks Blanket.
Also, for the record. it was unanimously decided among partygoers that I should immediately cease sleeping under the blanket. “are you crazy? You are being electrocuted DO NOT sleep with that” ( but I don’t think they know how cold my house is)
I hope you can shed light on this vexing disappointment of an electric blanket and remedy the situation in some meaningful way.
This is really the worst thing to happen in my bed in quite some time, and that is saying something. Please fix.
Any scientific prognosis, new full sized non-bologna blankets, reimbursements, apologies or general inquiries may be sent to
ED HOSE ILLUSTRATION 135 Pier Village Market, St. Simons. Island GA. 31522
Thank you for your time.
With deep gratitude, respect and concern,
ED HOSE
PS. No, of course I don’t have the receipt or packaging, I don’t even save birthday cards from my Nana, come on now.
