I know I have an issue. I might even have a few. I once thought my body was the problem. I felt trapped in it, cause it was big and hungry. But now as my panic attacks have increased in frequency and severity, I have found the real prison is my mind.
My grandmother passed away a few weeks ago, I didn’t fly home to attend the funeral. I tried to convince myself it was because I have kids and a business and low funds and high work, but I knew deep in myself that the real reason I didn’t go, was fear of having a panic attack. That is actually the fear that laces every “No” that I utter. My panic attacks don’t just keep me from being supportive to my family, they keep me from celebrating pleasures, weddings, birthdays, or going anywhere I think I might freak out and ruin someones day.
I’m not sure the affliction of panic attacks qualifies as a disease, but it certainly changes the quality of life. I remember a time when I took myself on adventures, driving anywhere I wanted. Now the corner grocery store is a battle.
I have tried many remedies. Medications, EFT, white knuckling thru it, avoidance, vitamins, whiskey, junk food, sex…wow my remedies sound like a great party!! Nothing worked..I would still wander around with this
impending sense of doom and sudden surge of terror. I had some success with reading, somehow reading about panic attacks, helps panic attacks a little….but then I got worse and I knew I needed help.
I started seeing a cognitive behavior therapist to help me with my panic attacks. Recently he assigned me the task of drawing my fear.
I thought the task was stupid. I did. I smiled and said I’d do it, because I am desperate for relief, I would tape live rats to my head if I thought it would keep a panic attack away. But I honestly couldn’t see the value in drawing it. I felt misunderstood, there is more to me then being an artist, what assignment would a non artist get? That was my inner dialogue, but I dutifully set to task thinking how best to illustrate the idea of fear.
How do you draw fear? For me, fear feels like I can’t breath. I was going to draw dark strangled necks and soundless screams. Or paint the frenzy of panic, or a fetal body trapped alone in a buried box.
Then I remembered this reoccurring nightmare. I am driving on a beautiful winding road, it’s a perfect picturesque day and suddenly a tsunami hits, the world opens up, the road is swallowed into the ocean. I am terrified, the road behind me is gone, in front of me is just water and people floating, there is no one to help, It is certain death, I feel myself go numb with fear, heart racing then I look up and see this giant terrifying Sea Pig. This pig is 10 times larger than a whale, its the biggest thing I have ever seen and I am instantly aware that the salivating Sea Pig is responsible for all this devastation. My fear increases to a new level as I realize I am about to be attacked and die 2 deaths, one from the water and one from the sea pig. ( I know I sound crazy when I talk about the Sea Pig )
Anyway, screw this project, I am just gonna illustrate that horrible dream, because it is a moment of fear and that fulfills the assignment.
SO. I draw the freaking horrific Sea Pig and anticipate the A+ I will receive in therapy.
I have trouble driving to my therapists office because it is farther up a panic attack road than I am comfortable driving. I force myself into this tiny unkempt looking elevator by saying the mantra “whatever happens you can handle it” over and over again. I have symptoms of a heart attack while in the elevator, that miraculously cease when I get to his office.
One of the positive things about being this severely neurotic, is the depth of conversations. I call these “The Joy of Sucks” the good things that come from sucky situations, I haven’t just “talked about the weather” in 3 years. We jump right in with the Sea Pig. I tell him the story making it sound extra terrifying, I describe the screams and then the silence, the certain doom.
He asks me “In the dream, did you name the sea pig?”…uhh “No dude, I didn’t name the sea pig” I say , trying not to role my eyes as I briefly wonder if this money wouldn’t be better spent on a hairdresser.
And then he says…” Why wouldn’t you think that the sea pig was there to rescue you?, I mean it seems to me that the roads have separated, you are about to be killed, and all of a sudden out of nowhere, this giant creature appears. I am just curious why you would assume it is here to do you harm, instead of rescue you.”
This made me laugh. It made me laugh in the way you can look at an optical illusion and never see the faces that make up the vase, until the moment you see it…and then once seen you never look at it the same again.
What if, I started looking at the thing that terrifies me, as a friend, as a gift, as something put in my path by the divine universe to help me, guide me, get me to the next place. What if I looked at the whole world like that?!
We talked about the Sea Pig for a long time, the symbolism in the animal I chose to represent my fears, the associations with gluttony, the aptitude for intelligence, the cliche of filth. We talked about a pigs innate ability to heal itself. It was a layered psychological invention.
I was instructed to make friends with the Sea Pig. Tame him, name him, call him by that name. What would that dream look like if in my darkest moment I had, at my command this powerful protector, this comforting being.
I went home. I named him SeerGrog. He is kind of a Norse Sea Pig apparently. I daydreamed, my night dream… only this time I envisioned SeerGrog appearing when I called him. I was no longer afraid of him. I was lucky. I was rescued, I was safe, I had power, I had a side kick and companion. It was almost as if the world had given me every single thing I had desired. It was almost as if it was there the whole time, and I just couldn’t recognize it.
I have drawn the conclusion that sometimes the biggest help you could ever ask for is for someone to show you another way to look at something.
I made these little SeerGrog buttons as reminders to tame my fears. They are available for
purchase here
and make great gifts for anyone grappling with anxiety…as long as you
tell them the story, otherwise, they are just some weird girl on a
purple pig that will be met with very sarcastic ” thanks”.
