I found my four year old trying to kill flies with a hammer.  Now my kitchen wall looks just like someone was trying to kill flies with a hammer. This comes on the heels of our “No painting on the walls, the couch, the bed, the TV, the dog conversation”.  A few hours after the “no painting on the walls conversation” I turn a corner to find my son painting his name over and over on my bedroom door. Kosmo ( thats my son, not my dog) “Kosmo I said NO painting on the walls” But its not a wall momma, it’s a door”  Kosmo tags everything, I find his name written on boxes, books and big wheels and even on MY ARTWORK…one day I found he had written his name all over a little wooden stool and when I confronted him, he looked up with enormous eyes and shrugged his shoulders. did you do this I ask, he shakes his head “I don’t think so” Well why does it have your name on it, I think maybe you drew it. I confront him…a few days later I notice his name is crossed out and his brother Ogden’s name is written there, but spelled wrong. 

    

These are some of my favorite examples of moments when I have NO IDEA what to do. I think I am supposed to parent in some way, to teach lessons and instruct.  I wish someone would invent an iphone app where I could type in a scenario and out would pop instruction on how to proceed. Should there be time outs, should I spank, should I laugh, should I lecture, should I ignore? I have taken to eating a cookie when I don’t know what to do.  As my boys grow, I am less and less sure about anything including my pants size.

Speaking of pants. Do they need to wear any? I mean, I know they should wear them outside of the house, but what about inside? What about underwear? and if they have to wear it , do they have to wear it the right way? My kids seem to prefer it backwards. Is it ok to collect beer bottle caps? I think maybe it is…But is it OK that they like to collect the bottle caps and then smell them to find which ones smell best? I’m not so sure?  

What about TV, what is OK for them to watch, what will scar them for life…There are a few Scooby Doo episodes from my own childhood that still send shivers down my spine and I am pretty sure Little House on the Prarie while sanctioned as kidfriendly has contributed to more then a few of my neurotic tendencies ( namely the fear of eating spoiled mutton )  I know they watch too much television , but is it really wrotting thier brains? cause my kids speak Chinese and they didnt learn it from me…and what about fire juggling? I’m kidding I don’t let my kids juggle fire, I just thought that would be funny to put there. 

There are so many wiggly lines with kids that I don’t know when they are crossing one really.  Despite having no idea what I am doing, I have drawn the conclusion that I must be doing something right, because each night before bed they wrap their sticky paint covered arms around me  and the sweetest little “i love yous” fall like petals from their lips.  I watch them bound down the hallway, naked from the waist down hugging beer bottle caps and scissors and a big spool of duct tape. And I think…those are the happiest little weirdos I know….then I check on them a few minutes later to make sure they haven’t kidnapped anyone.  I am a good mom.