Around the age of 10 years old I overheard a conversation that went something like this.  “Baboons are attracted to the largest most swollen red butts. This is why women paint their lips red, to mimic the look of the baboons anus. We are biologically programmed to be attracted to things that look like fertile female sex organs”

Of course I was too young to understand what I was hearing, I still thought a female sex organ was like a really tiny piano.  Nonetheless bright red baboon butt lips have never left my consciousness. Someday we may have the technology to unfold a brain and view all of the images and memories inside, I fear that someone could maybe see the memory cache like cookies on a computer….hopefully this will serve as a reasonable explanation for the amount of baboon but lipstick images I have stored within. It would be embarrassing if someone thought they were just there for no reason.

Because of baboon butts, from the moment I first became aware of sexuality  I have been fascinated by the concept of attraction? Sexiness seems suspect. Is it nature, is it nurture, and where do the customs stem from. 

I have theories about the sexiness of painted nails..I mean thats a weird thing to do, paint the hard stuff that grows out of your fingers?  I have theories and opinions about high heels and stripper poles, push up bras, school girl uniforms, lace ruffles and leather pants. But I will tell you, it is the fishnet stocking that has always teased my imagination.

Don’t get me wrong. I love fishnet stockings, I buy right into their sexiness. Think they feel great, like a giant hug for your skin, and look great on almost anyone. But the idea of putting mesh on your legs? The idea that someone was walking along and stumbled on some fishnetting and was like “Ooh these should be pants” …. Pants for prostitutes?  Lets face it prior to the Victoria Secret home catalog, the fishnet stocking was the “Whores stocking”. 

Prostitution was rampant in port cities.   I like to imagine some genius “hooker ” thought to capture the fanciful imagination of her sailors, and began marketing herself as a captured mermaid. I have named her “Lizzie” in my head and she has a cockney accent.

I have another theory, about fishnets that involves catching a fish taco. But it takes us on a darker path.

Then, a few weeks ago I was up late thinking about dried meats. Thinking about how brave we are to eat the deli meats that hang in shop windows. I won’t eat leftovers from the refrigerator after two days , but a pile of meat left in a window for three years seems like a good thing to ingest?  I love the look of hanging meat, I am visually attracted to it. Now is that nature or nurture?  And then it hit me.  That salami is wearing a fishnet stocking. Those cured meats have been hanging around forever.. Suddenly I think maybe “Lizzie” is a brilliant butcher.

I have drawn the conclusion that we are attracted to fishnet stockings because they remind us of delicious deli meats. 

I told this theory last night to some friends, they seemed unimpressed ” honey if your legs look like ham hocks in fishnet stockings, you probably shouldn’t be wearing fishnet stockings. ” 

Anyway, from now on I am calling them meat socks.