I don’t know if you could call it dating really, I have only met one person in real life, we went out for tacos where I learned that he had recently left his pregnant girlfriend, to pursue a simple life free of car, job, teeth and home…but for me the deal breaker…was…he had a tongue ring.  I don’t know what it is about a tongue ring but I think it is the ONLY physical attribute i can not get past. I married a man who was missing a toe…sometimes I think I married him Because he was missing a toe..I like unusual features…but the tongue ring…something about shredded lettuce..oh my god Im gagging…
 
So I learned from that experience and I now begin every conversation with My name is ED do you have anything penetrating your tongue that could possibly knock your teeth out?  Finally I stumble upon someone who met my stringent oral standards….we chatted online..He was funny, smart, talented, charming, rich and 3 feet tall.

I consider myself open minded..I don’t have a lot of little people in my life but I did do a photoshoot once with Verne Troyer of Mini-Me fame and I would have made out with him in a minute, had he even looked in my direction..(up)….so we talked some more, here are some red flags that I ignored…He said he likes bossy women…He said he likes women who take charge…He said he wanted me to call him Maggot….. So I get to talking to Maggot and it becomes clear that he wants to be my slave and He wants me to humiliate him…I figure with all my experience humiliating myself..i could probably do a good job of it….”Do you want me to stuff dirty leaves  in your underpants during a leaf fight and then make you take them off cause dirty leaves are itchy, and put them in the glove compartment of your car so that weeks later when you get pulled over and reach for your registration you can pull out what looks like a pair of REALLY unfortunate underpants?”  Yes he says. Excellent, he likes me….Just as I am getting used to the idea of being in a relationship with Maggot he introduces the idea of two large black men who would share our bed…So I’m like wait a minute..I get three boyfriends? One who wants nothing more then to run out and buy me tampons and Reeses cups at 3 in the morning…and TWO Big bald strapping enthusiastic men…I’m gonna need a bigger house I say.  SO we talk like that for days…about the mansion he is gonna buy us, I will live there with my “bodyguards” and he would fly in to be dragged around by a dog collar holding my purse as I try on clothes at Chicos.

I know what you are thinking…what about my Kids? That can’t be a healthy environment for my kids to grow up in…I beg to differ…Maggot would be their built in playmate, Big Daddy T and Steel Dog would ensure that never a bully would wedgie my children…My wonderful community…would embrace my circus family with eventual commonplace frivolity..”Oh here comes ED and her entourage all holding hands, wait wheres Maggot…oh he’s in the car, they cracked the window for him. Let’s go give him a biscuit.”
 
  I never knew I wanted a cuckold midget slave…But NOW I don’t know how to live without one.  SO you can imagine my devastation…when he broke up with me..Online, No reply, after no reply…Maggot!!!!! Nothing…gone.  The problem with online dating is you don’t REALLY know who you are talking too…for all I know, my beautiful maggot was a 60 year old janitor of average height  with a really weird fantasy life.

I think most people would have hung up their ethernet cables after all that disappointment..but I am an optimist.  I comb through the dredges of profile after profile, weeding out the pictures of guys wearing blue tooth headsets,  posing by their car, their 4 wheeler, their deer carcass, their stripper friends, their AK-47s or flexing shirtless in the gym. I hone my desires, contemplate what is important, there has to be someone out there who can communicate without sending an uninvited picture of their man junk.

I have drawn the conclusion that looking for love online….is a little like walking blindfolded in a dark prison and trying to discern the innocent from the criminal by harnessing the sonar power of fruit bats that you have tied to your fingers.   I also believe love is the stuff…and while I am doing just fine alone…there is more happiness to be found…I know you can’t look for love really..but you can certainly browse.
   
*note…These are the strange and true adventures of my unfortunate quest for romance..I in no way mean to put down or discriminate against people of any height, color, piercing situation, janitorial position or penchant for humiliation.

**another note…Maggot, if you are reading this…call me! I need some ice cream and a foot massage.