I can’t tell if this is super sad, or totally liberating… But I feel really excited to be single this Valentine’s Day. There is no one to disappoint me. I don’t have to hope for a romantic bauble or grand gesture, I don’t have to be let down by a gas station chocolate bar and and a note that reads ” I know this is the last thing you need” ( true story) ….. I don’t have to overdo it for a “him”, and then fake a smile at the underdone for me.  It is in a way wonderful, to not feel like ” this is not enough” “this person does not love me enough”  what a relief…to not feel..not loved enough.  I don’t even feel unloved. I feel free. That is a shift for me.

I think it has to do with the magic shift key ring I bought from Blue Sky Market. It is a replica of an old-timey typewriter shift key. I intended to give it to my mother, who is famous for her paradigm shifts.  You are welcome to be in any sort of mood you like around my mother…but if it is a bad one, she will offer to shift it for you, reframe your ideas and show you another perspective…Yes! it is annoying when all you want to do is wallow in your own self loathing…but it is effective, and and an enormous gift.

   So I put this shift ring on, and this morning and realized I wasn’t in a bad mood. Huh, that’s weird..I thought to myself, must be the shift key.  I usually save up all my sadness for this day letting sour tears roll down my cheeks.  I mean nothing can make you feel so alone as Valentines Day, except maybe Christmas, and Thanksgiving, and New Years, and Birthdays and Friday Nights…oh and Sunday mornings, and other peoples parties, and when something breaks, or when it’s dinner time, or bedtime. Yeah Valentines day can be the worst, if you happen to be alone….and if you are alone, with the belief that ” Love is all you need” well you are basically screwed.   If Only you could believe that love wasn’t soo important ….than maybe you wouldn’t notice it missing from your life.  Hoping for romance is exhausting,  It is such a relief to just buy your own damn chocolate. OMG Is this how spinsters think? am I turning spinster right now?

I have drawn the conclusion.  Not having a romance is every bit as valuable as having one.  Not needing someone to validate my worth…is remarkably terrifying and at the same time, utter peace.