My website
www.edhose.com has a new look. I am soo excited about it. Right now I am in the “gearing up to be annoying about my new website” stage. Just laying the groundwork for the upcoming deluge of non-stop
www.edhose.com propaganda.
First on the agenda. Head shots. Why it’s important: I have just finished my 9th children’s book and have used the same photo in every book jacket. Because, I keep having excuses. I will take new pictures when I lose the baby weight, (9 years later) When I’m not so red in the face, when I dye my hair, when I feel better, when I look better, when I have more money, when I have better clothes, when it’s not so hot, when I have a hovercraft.
Madness. I want to stand proud behind my face. I’m not waiting till it’s better, waiting is for the birds.
So I call my brilliant photographer friend at Lone Pine Photography because he’s tall and my angle is from above. And I just like the guy. Every picture he took is something to feel good about. It was a great day….but it didn’t start out that way
The night before, I borrowed a dress from my friend and cohort Peggy. I don’t try it on, cause we are like the shining twins..
(This is Me and Peggy in the 2 dresses I brought for a one night excursion haha)
Did I mention I don’t try it on? It’s funny because, she warned me that it was a
somewhat provocative dress…but I didn’t believe her. I had a giant breast reduction surgery a few years ago and felt certain my
breasts would take on a professional and distinguished position.
And…they went a completely different direction.
The theme for my marketing photos was kinda steam punk, a fun, old timey, carnival, burlesque look. Peggy’s amazing dress would work perfectly for what I imagined. Kosmo (my 6 year old) had just asked to make a caveman outfit…So I decided to hijack my own photo shoot and take some family pics! Ogden doesn’t wear costumes ( cause
I overdid it when he was a baby and scared all the weird out of him) He asked to wear a business suit, carry a briefcase and just ” Be walking by with business cards” while the pictures were being taken. His vision….it’s so him.
The morning of the photo shoot my inner teenager shows itself on my face. I realize I don’t own any concealer or powder and decide to have my make-up professionally done. Now I am invested see…so I go to a place to get a professional make-over.
The following story is sensitive in nature and I am not sure I should even share it…but….it’s too good to be alone with…So I go in and this Beautiful girl, I mean stunning gorgeous lady does my makeup…I like her immediately, like I want to be best friends. So I tell her “I’m an artist and I’m doing a steam punk themed photo shoot” and she is game… it’s not a normal request and I can tell she is psyched to do something different.
Now what happened is NOT HER FAULT! The people who have seen the pictures have yelled at me to get my money back…but she did what I asked, I just didn’t realize how bad what I was asking for was.. This is what I told her. ” I want a dark smokey eye and dark lips” steam punk, I say. I kept using the words “Dramatic” and “Glitter” and …..well, I may have mentioned
“Peacock feathers”.
I have seen some tutorials on drag queen transformations. I know that sometimes things can look very very bad before they look good, that with make-up there can be shadows and undercoats…so I thought naturally when I glimpsed half-way thru that the “Mimi From the Drew Carey Show” look was only temporary.
Instead of being assertive when 90 minutes later and late for my photo shoot, I finally turn around in my chair and see the final result..I say..”OMG I LOVE IT Thank you!” …that is what I said. Only I went on and on about how much I loved it, I even asked for her card…because I couldn’t possibly deliver the lines “Ummm, This is so far from what I actually meant that I literally do not know what to do.”
Here I am shellshocked in the car. I just paid money for this, and was mortified to be seen in the parking lot. There is a guy sitting in his car next to me. He does a double take.
LOOK AT IT, LOOK at the lips. I didn’t even know you could do that, just go renegade “you know, your lips would look really good, if only they were slightly over here”
I replay where things went wrong. 1) I didn’t clearly communicate my vision with reference materials 2) I used confusing terminology “steam punk” may not have worked its way into common day vernacular…I think she just heard the word “Punk” 3) Never use the term “peacock feathers” unless you are serious about that shit.
I stop at the bar on the way home to prove that this did in fact just happen. My friend Becca was managing and jumps into action…First she wanted to kick the ass of my new best friend makeup girl and get my money back…She is a
Derby girl and full of tit-tosterone. I assure her it was my bad. She puts her switchblade back in her proverbial fishnet stockings and gets to work.
Becca instructs me to wash the Gothic assault off my face and we start over. I am the ultimate client providing a nice ledge for her to lean on as she fixes me up.
The results…were pretty impressive…especially when you consider that the new face of my website could have been space zombie clown. When I was so clearly going for carnival brothel Goddess.
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