I chuckled to myself in the check out line, thinking it might be even creepier if I were to write warning signs upon my body. Almost like they were written by previous victims. I practiced the possessed smile I would display as his eyes wandered around my caution signs.
AND THEN!!! Then It hit me. The greatest thing I could do with glow paint on a first date is paint a colony of alien babies on my belly. See it’s perfect because alien babies glow ( I assume) so it would be totally realistic. It would explain my ample belly, so that I don’t have to, and it would give the guy a great story to tell his friends. I would gently caress my alien babies with maternal love, holding back tears of laughter as the unsuspecting craiglister bolts potato sack style out the door with his pants around his ankles.
” Hey Buddy, do the socks match the sweater?”
Now that deserved SOME SORT of acknowledgement right. ( you can use it! )
I know what you are thinking. ” Why do you want to freak someone out? why not just go out on a date to meet someone special and fall in love?
The two part answer is as follows:
1) Somebody needs to level the playing field here. Men have been scaring the bejeezuz out of women since the beginning of time. JUST yesterday in fact I received inquiry for my artistic expertise. The guy was vague and overzealous with details not pertaining to the questions I asked, I had the uncanny sense that he was enjoying not answering my questions about the project. Red flags flew like pepper flakes on a bland pizza. And then FINALLY he revealed that he wanted me to paint the sex dungeon he just built that he calls “the asylum”*…..umm Hashtag NOPE. Guys like that deserve a little alien surprise. Let the urban rumors fly that the guys need to be careful out there, cause us ladies have been navigating the minefield of creepy sex dungeons OUR WHOLE LIVES.
and
2) I will fall in love with the special person who pulls out a stethoscope in this situation, and vows to help me raise my glow babies.
I have drawn the conclusions that, these tactics and high expectations may be exactly why I am still single. No one brings a stethoscope on a first date.
*Please note: the above true life sex asylum correspondence was creepy because of the sneaky way the guy was skirting around, like he derived as much pleasure from keeping me engaged as from any other deviance. If you want me to paint your sex asylum, just come right out and say it. Own that shit. FYI $3900 plus expenses and body guard.
More adventures in dating here and here…and unfortunately here.
and my Handy Guide To Posting Your Picture On A Dating Website here.
