People are always asking how they can be more like me. Well OK it was just one person…but they did ask me…like five minutes ago. So I jumped on it…as is my policy to give my public what they want. This is for you Rick.
How to be more like me.
1) Think of something horrendously embarrassing. Go do it.
2) Go to a drive thru, order something…eat it while driving to another drive thru. If you arrive at the second drive thru and have not finished eating yet, put it in your passenger seat and throw a big hat on top of it. You don’t want the person leaning out the drive thru window to think you are a fat ass… Also if you see someone wearing a big hat and that hat has chocolate on it, you can be sure they have studied this tutorial on how to be like me…so befriend them, you are like twins now.
3) Go to Pier One Imports. Find a napkin in the clearance section. Put it on your head. Make pigtails…they keep the napkin from slipping. ( it is classier to call it a bandanna then a napkin )*
4) Remind yourself of the smallest things you can possibly love. Noises, smells, colors, touches, ideas, visions. Every chance you get say out loud ” I love the scrape of my spoon against the bowl, I love the curve of my archway, I love the pattern of palm prints, I love the cars that realize they are lost right in front of my house and that I get to give them directions. ” Only don’t say those things, say the things that speak to you. I don’t know why but the universe likes that and it is somehow connected to happiness.
5) Shower as little as possible, that way when you do shower you really appreciate it..and you can see a difference.
6) Everything looks different after crying, napping, pornography and time.
7) When you are really really really in a bad place, write a thank you note.
8) Memory Foam Mattress Pad Topper, everything else is negotiable .
9) If you can make a word play. Do it. Don’t wait they are always funny.
10) Find a line. just walk on it till you lose your balance. That way if you do cross the line you come about it honestly.
11) Make a mark on something everyday that says you were here today.
12) Be just as proud of the things that don’t work out as the ones that do, they are stepping stones. They only thing you should feel bad about is hurting people.
13) Every time I look at myself in the mirror I say to myself..”If I were to live on a planet where everyone was SUPPOSED to look like me..I would be the best looking one!” It gets me through almost every day.
14) Label boxes and drawers. It is so great to know where things are. If you label a drawer ” creepy things to give to people” you better make sure you fill it with stuff that does not disappoint, cause that is the drawer everyone will gravitate towards…No one has ever asked to look in my “glitters and hand gels” drawer.
15) Buy 15 different sizes of pants. You are gonna need em.
Now you are pretty much just like me! Congratulations. Now, go eat some condiments straight out of the jar, google some obscure medical symptoms* and go to sleep only to wake up in the middle of the night and argue with yourself until daybreak.
* Note… unless you have a very small head , a dinner napkin is just a little to small to wear comfortably on your head, the wind will catch the caped end and fly it upwards when you are walking outside giving you the appearance of wearing a dunce hat…or if it is a white napkin…something much worse. There is no great solution to this other then constantly fidgeting with and trying to tuck the corner into the knot. Just letting you know.
** Also Note..whatever you do..DO NOT google your medical symptoms. Especially not leprosy or malaria. Trust me you seem like a crazy person when you tell your doctor you have leprosy and malaria.
