A HANDY REFERENCE GUIDE FOR TEXTING, EMAILS AND DATING PROFILES
That I even need to make this list……..shaking my head.
Please pass along this handy guide to anyone entertaining the thought of a 21st century dating experience.
1) The picture should be of your head…and shoulders. Not any other part…. Really.
2) In the picture, don’t be licking anyone else’s face. Not your mom’s face, not your strippers face,
not your buddy from the bars face. No licking….. No.
3) You have a gun, that’s cool sort of ?…..Not in your picture.
4) You see an awesome car on the side of the road, man you’d love to have that car. Is it your’s ….no? But even if it is….let’s not crouch down in front of it to have our picture made. Don’t do it, you look like you are pooping on the sidewalk, stop.
5) Oooh sexy body. Ooh sexy face, blowing sexy kisses at my vomit covered keyboard.
6) I understand you were in love once. Take a new picture. Do not scrawl the B-word over her face.
7) Tattoos, awesome! Love em and the originality of self expression is really a marvel. That being said, I might add some letters to a “loser” tattoo…I think a “closer”or even a “flosser”, everyone likes a good flosser. Also if you have your own phone number tattooed on your person…well I don’t know what to say about that (true story) . Pierced nipple, fine…if it happens to have a tiny whistle hanging from it..hey, let’s be safe and keep our shirt on….But also, before the first date maybe disclose the whistle nipple thing, no one wants to unexpectedly discover that.
8) OK OK, soo what if deep down the person that you really are is a face licking, gun toting, sidewalk pooping loser who can’t remember his shirt or his phone number….what then. I mean really, we don’t want to false advertise.
Who are you to come up with these judgey judgey rules, you may be asking? I know….
In one of my own dating profile picture I have a colander on my head and I am dressed like a robot
( the best part about that is the caption says”Just headed to the beach ” I don’t care who you are, that shit is funny) I am sure many a guy has stumbled upon that picture and moaned out in agony.
I may not have it all figured out. Still, I have drawn the conclusion that there is a cup of tea out there for everyone…..and I truly believe that tea looks more inviting without an unexpected penis in the cup. Now you know.
*Note: tragically based on real life experience. Read about my cuckold midget slave here, or about the guy with the foot fetish here
