My Gay Best Friend Shmevin loves Abe Lincoln.   Shmevin isn’t actually gay, or my best friend….but I love him so much that’s just how I introduce him.  For years I managed to do this without his knowledge.  He knows now, he’s not thrilled about it.

It is possible that he doesn’t really LOVE Abe Lincoln, maybe he just likes him a tad bit, and he mentioned it one day in passing. It is one of those things that I have clung to, like when you find out someone likes bacon and from that moment on, all you do is buy them bacon gifts.

Because I know his presidential crush, I think about Shmevin every time I fondle a penny or  pull out a 5 dollar bill.  I also think about him whenever I have my land surveyed, because it just so happens that  in my little town, the local surveyor is also a world renowned Lincoln impersonator.

I had the opportunity to think of Shmevin last week while perusing my local online yard sale. Someone was selling a bust of Abraham Lincoln…For 3$.  Obviously, I demanded it. I didn’t even play cool, I was like “Must Have Now!” It was a little banged up, so I took the opportunity to make a few minor adjustments before delivering to Shmevin as the new centerpiece for his mantle. Forever!

First, I added a hat made of an old beer cork…and then I built a vampire killing kit. It is in an old pocket watch and filled with garlic, a stake, a cross, holy water, a crystal and an eye of newt….Traditionally you don’t need eye of newt for vampire dealings, but I had extra newt eyes. I added some relics, some wings of a dark angel covered in cobwebs of fake hair. I also added a dinosaur as foreshadowing to the imminent sequel to vampire hunter, “Abe Lincoln, Dinosaur Hunter”…. I’d go see it.

While augmenting this bust, I realized that I am running out of teeth, I once had an extensive collection of teeth, but I have used them in so many thoughtful gifts that I am down to only one goat tooth and I wasn’t willing to part with it…It’s interesting, every time I give someone a present I have made for them with a real tooth incorporated..they stop returning my calls or suddenly move far away, so I can’t even get them back.

Also to all the people that said I should get rid of my box of miscellaneous hair, when I was trying to declutter my house…what a mistake that would have been.

I have drawn the conclusion that a reminder of someone is a gift..It is an opportunity to shower them with proof of thought.  I relish opportunities like this…..Dear Shmevin, I hope this Abe Lincoln Vampire/Dinosaur Hunter Bust looks at you every single day and makes you happy. I hope you do not already have one just like it, and weeks from now after it has stared at you day and night, I look forward to admitting that it is equipped with a nanny cam.

To see more gifts I have created in efforts to make lasting friendships please click here.