“If you are not happy with what you have, you will not be happy with having more.”

This idea initiated a critical shift in the way I look at happiness.  I stumbled across it at just the right time about a year ago. I say it was the right time, because a year ago, and for several years prior to that I was stuck under the belief that something more would make me happy.

I am not talking stuff here….I had already learned that the new shiny thing I just bought would only leave me feeling slightly “now what?”.   I am not even talking about the food that I commandeer more than my share of….I am talking about love. Specifically romantic love. I don’t have enough, where is it, Love? LOVE..here love, come here love, LOVE I NEED YOU!!!..I was panicked. Searching, hoping, forcing square pegs in round holes.  I just could not be happy unless I felt loved.

 “You can’t love someone else unless you love yourself”, “You can’t look for Love, it will happen when you least expect it”, ” You can’t rely on someone else for your happiness”…yeah yeah yeah, I heard it from every direction, out of mouths of people who have someone to come home to, someone to sleep with, kiss, talk to , cook for, be mad at, laugh with….yeah I know, “thanks for the advice, enjoy your new tennis bracelet that someone who loves you bought for you, to show you how much they love you..cause they love you” I will just be over here with my cheetos feeling so dark and sorry for myself someone is bound to want to rescue me,….. any day now.

This is where I blame Disney..I seriously grew up believing that a damsel in distress was an attractive thing to a man. I have been scratching my head  “LOOK HOW DISTRESSED I AM!! Why is no one coming to the rescue? Don’t you see how overgrown my lawn is? Where is Prince Mow Alot? and Prince Here’s a New Car, and Sheik I Like Your Back Fat Rolls.

I live in a little brick house with my 2 little boys. I thought for sure, someone would come along and find me interesting, be charmed by my neurotic ramblings and want to fix all my broken light fixtures. I thought we would fall in love, build a garden together, paint the floor together, make a nice, safe, warm home together.  I have been waiting for that for 4 years. Waiting on this love story to make my house feel like a home.  I wanted to build something together and I didn’t want to do it own my own.

For the past 4 years when you walk in my home you enter straight into my studio. Pretty cool, if you are an organized artist, setting an eclectic bohemian tone. I’m not that type of artist. I was living in a cave of garbage. A wigwam of disaster. Walking into my home was like walking into the worst, coldest, dankest parts of my brain. There was no where to be. “welcome to my home, kindly stand against the wall, sorry about the cobwebs, not sure why that’s sticky, would you like some lukewarm tap water in my one remaining glass ?”

Sure there were pluses to that, “relax, it’s ok if you spill something here, in fact go ahead and take a dump on my floor, I am chill”.  And of course “There’s nowhere to sit, so if you wanna come in, we have to go straight to my bed” (I think I am still gonna use that one for special circumstances)

So A few weeks ago, I started feeling differently about the way I was thinking. I started chopping down the thoughts that weren’t serving me, no matter how delicious they were, or how right they felt..I realized that every time I felt bad about myself for not having someone to love me, I started to believe more and more that I was unworthy of love, and undeserving of the life I want to lead, I was clinging to this horrible raft that was taking me in the absolute opposite direction that I wanted to go.

So I chopped it. Whenever I would feel a “Woe is me” coming on, I would give it the hand. I said NO, loudly to the thoughts that were keeping me down…and a miracle happened. A FREAKIN miracle. I started to feel better, to get out of my own way. I want to live in a nice, warm, safe, loving place and provide that for my children and I can, and I will and I don’t have to wait for someone to do it for me. ( I realize many people already know this…. )

So I moved my studio into a different room, and….I bought a couch.

If you are not happy with what you have, you will not be happy with having more.  This couch does not make me happy.  It is new, beautiful and everything I have ever wanted in a couch. I love it…but not for what it looks like or the comfort it brings, I don’t love it because it is one more thing….I love it for what it means.

My couch means, welcome to my beautiful life, come sit, chat, stay a while. It means I am not on hold waiting to be rescued, waiting for someone else to help me make decisions or take the reigns, it means I am in charge of this ship. My couch means, I don’t need something else to make me happy, I’m good.

So come over, sit on my couch, but know that you are not just resting on some fake leather cushions. This is more than a couch and more than a living room. It is a symbol of my love for my own life. I have drawn the conclusion that making a nice room to be in, is in fact a very important step towards simply being yourself.