I spend a lot of time staring at the wall.  Lost in thought, or absent of thought. I have always been like that, I get stuck in my car…not like stuck stuck cause my butt is big…but mentally stuck, staring off into space…I assume most people do that, but have only really seen the behavior live in my mom.  She just goes “off somewhere” for a minute or two, it is a charming quirk that makes her exceptionally fun to take an aerobics class with.
 
Because I so often wander thru my brain folds, Hypnosis seemed like a good way to de-activate some issues.  First, let it be said..I have a million great qualities, like it’s embarrassing really that one person should have a list so fine filled with so many blessings…like for instance my ability to peel an orange in one piece, dance in a way that makes me feel like a gypsy, communicate my hearts desire. I am easy to laugh, quick to hug, inventive with ingredients, kind to strangers, I make a nice bed, can defend myself with nunchakus, I have thick eyelashes and ample ideas…and you probably wish you were me right now, except…. I can’t drive over a bridge.

Anxiety has loitered in my neighborhood doing creepy drive-bys for decades, but this past year it moved into my being, taking up residence, eating all my damn food.  Anxiety is a terrible guest.  I used to say I was the bravest person I knew, because I have so many fears that I combat everyday.  Some people think  I am brave because I put myself out there, write stuff like this for anyone to see….but that doesn’t feel brave to me, I am not afraid to tell my stories, stories connect the world. I am not afraid of what people think…I am afraid of ant bites.

I am afraid of ant bites, allergic reactions, numbness or tingling in my tongue, long roads that I can’t see the end to, being trapped, being alone, being trapped alone with a tingling tongue on a long road. I am afraid of salmonella, the plague, leprosy, heart attacks, accidents and anything that might induce vomiting. My fear of vomit has ruled my life since childhood, dictating where I sit at the movie theater (on the end) …and why I am the only person I have ever met that never drank a beer before turning 21
( or well ..that’s because I am also afraid of getting in trouble…but mostly the vomit thing ).

I have funny fears of unexpected mayo, irrational fears that I might accidentally poison an entire neighborhood with tainted halloween candy ( which is why I hand out stickers ) Some of my fears are rational and necessary like, I’m afraid of men who drive without pants on, gang violence, and heroin…I’m kinda proud to have those …but for the most part my fears have been like traffic cones directing my moves, blocking off paths that I would LOVE to walk down…adventurous mountain climbing, camel riding, scuba diving paths.

Recently and suddenly, without cause or warning I stopped combating my fears…It’s like I ran out of ammo.  My everyday anxieties turned into full blown attacks.  3 times resulting in hospital visits. 100 times resulting in the sense of imminent death.  I don’t know how many people experience an impending sense of doom, but it is nothing to shake a stick at.  Now all of my fears have been replaced by this one…Fear of having a panic attack.

The fear of having a panic attack while driving has infected my every organ.  I have not driven myself over a bridge in 3 months. What’s up with that?  No one has ever accused me of normalcy, but I have until recently been able to get myself where I want to go.  Sometimes I have to breath deeply, or sing loudly or take an xanax…..but I was always able to brave it out.

Recognizing that my problem was a problem…I have sought help.  Sought it everywhere.  Anything I think might help, Dr.s, lawyers, therapists.  Boxing, wheatgrass, meditation.  Talking, thinking, praying and Hypnosis.

This has been an intense experience..trying to solve a problem that no one can see.  Nothing has fixed me…but everything has been interesting.

Most interesting…Hypnosis… I did not know what to expect when I first walked in to be hypnotized. I do know that I carried a big box of doubt and suspicion with me.  I promised myself I would put that down and go with the flow.  I am familiar with guided visualizations because my mother used to do them at my birthday parties…lay down a bunch of rambunctious girls and guide them to a “happy place” ( yeah she’s brilliant, I know)  SO at first…that is what I gave into, the quiet relaxation of following the direction of my hypnotist. Relaxing my toes, and my ankles, and my calves…you know the drill…like my body is full of heavy sand, drifting, drifting, drifting to a relaxed state.  I would follow the suggestions of her voice, when she would say go to a place you felt safe..I would not think or judge what I saw on my eyelids…I just watched what was in my head…I went in with no preconceived idea of what I was going to visualize..and I was always amused by the symbolism of what I saw.

The power of suggestion is strong.  I have craved water because she mentioned I would. She suggested that I love myself even with my imperfections and… I feel that love, which is new. Maybe you just turn 36, develop some phobic behaviors, and start to love yourself…but I think it’s the hypnosis talking. Being hypnotized is like going on a journey into yourself,  visions take you this way and that.  It is a little universe in there.  The subconscious is one of the most interesting places I have ever been…but then as of late, I don’t get out much.

All that to share this story.  The last time I was hypnotized I went into this deep state of peace, I listened to every word of my hypnotist, I followed her suggestions…and then she said. “Nod your head when you are done.” Done? Done what? I had not been sleeping? I was listening to her talk…but I couldn’t hear what she had said. I had no idea? I was aware that she had been talking for a long time, telling me to do something very specific but I had turned my brain off to what she was saying.  I spoke out loud. I said ” I have no idea where I went but I have no idea what I am supposed to do? What am I supposed to visualize” I heard a flicker of what I assume was exasperation, a lot of energy goes into relaxing someone…now she had to tell me again.  She said ” I was telling you to climb a mountain, during your climb you are carrying a very heavy pack, filled with all of your fears, you are climbing a winding path up, you see the trees, and the leaves, you are enjoying nature,your pack is so heavy , but you march on, you come to a clearing” she is speaking in a faster cadence then she was the first time, having already led me there, but still her gentle voice soothed me  ” The clearing is the most beautiful field you have ever seen, filled with wild flowers and butterflies..You are on top of the mountain, you see something in the sky, it is a giant hot air balloon, there is a gondola swinging from the hot air balloon…you go over to it and start unloading your pack, you take out each of your fears and you put them in the gondola of the hot air balloon” as she was telling me this, I visualized everything she said, I saw myself on the path, with my heavy bag of fears, I saw myself unpacking the bag and taking my fears out..but as she told me to put them in the hot air balloon..I became deceitful…Yep deceitful in my own subconscious. I didn’t want to put them in there. SO I invented duplicate fears…( just to reiterate..I INVENTED DUPLICATE FEARS IN MY OWN SUBCONSCIOUS !!!) I put the impostor fears in the balloon and did just as she said “Follow the balloon as it simply floats away, carrying all of your fears with it, watch it go till it is just a tiny speck in the sky” I do as she says..and I begin to cry…a cry I call hypnosis cry…deep and agonizing. I tried to make myself believe that I was crying for my lost fears..I wanted my hypnotist to think that I was crying from the loss of releasing so much pain…because I want her to think I am good at being hypnotized…but I knew I was crying because My fears were still in that bag.

I have thought about that day several times, and wondered why my mind blocked out the sound of her voice during the visualization to unburden myself.  I drew this conclusion…. I wasn’t ready to let go. I wasn’t ready to even think of letting go, or hear the possibility of it..It was not an option for me.  I was getting something out of having all these fears. I don’t know why I hold on to them? or what it will take to release them..but I know that I want to. It is time.  This has been an unexpected development in my life.  The opportunity and ability to be authentic about it, is a gift.  I hope it comforts someone else to know that they are not alone flirting with agoraphobia, or struggling with some other invisible issue.  Unless, shit, maybe I am the only one. The only one in the whole world…man that would be embarrassing.