This Home Is Protected by Smith and Wesson Sticker
As a die hard hypochondriac ( a term I’m almost afraid to use, because of the reference to death ) I am keenly obsessed with safety. I throw out foods on the eve of their expiration and have been known to wear my seatbelt at the drive-in theater. Home security is of course as grave and dire to me as the pursuit of personal well being. For as many non slip mats I place in the tub, and safety covers I insert in outlets wondering why the plastic doesn’t melt …It seems like it should melt in there…anyway..for all the measures I take to maintain physical safety, the ways that I protect my home are varied and fantastic.
I won’t divulge all the booby traps, and protective devices installed around my home…but I will say this. YOU DO NOT WANT TO MESS WITH ME, or my pit bull. In addition to the things that you can see protecting my home, I believe it is the force field of energy that keeps us safe. Sure it may look like a yard full of trash and broken things…but trust me it is a moat of cosmic good will, and I tend to that moat as much as I tend to the visible needs of my family.
How do you create this forcefield of positive intention you may ask, Well, in addition to magic colors, prayers and words of peace and love, I use protective amulets. Milagros, Mezuzahs, Spirit animal totems, a bottle tree, 3 little birds perched on my doorstep, and I trust in the eye. The evil eye. I relate to these because they look like my eyes…and also I cant afford a security camera…but I want people to know they are being watched.
A few days ago I discovered someone had stolen the very thing I bought to protect my home from thieves! Someone had come on to my property, walked up to my door and taken my evil eye. Its a sad kinda funny. My friend Shmevin ( Not his real name ) felt that if I had paid money for an evil eye to protect my home, that I had been ripped off upon purchase. And I agree because you should never purchase your own protective amulets, they need to be given to you with open hearts.
Shmevin suggested I take a pair of his old size 25 giant shoes and put them on my stoop along with a sticker in my window that says ” Protected by Smith and Wesson” … I thought that was a great idea, although it is obvious by the way I park crooked in the driveway, that in fact no man lives here. I jumped on the idea of a warning sticker, a little something that says I am packing heat.
For me that heat is in the kitchen. My Home IS protected! By Granny SMITH & WESSON Oil. Now yours can be too. Keep your loved ones and valuables safe with this sticker proudly displayed in your window. Watch as burglars run the other direction.
This Home Is Protected by Smith and Wesson Sticker is available now!
I have drawn the conclusion that the best way to protect your home is to fill it with love from the inside out, and confuse criminals with weird ambiguous gun referencing old lady apple stickers.
Oh by the way, I received an amazing new evil eye pendent that hangs watchfully in my living room. I love it, and the outside of the house…well, I couldn’t stand the gap in the protective forcefield. Couldn’t sleep, so I painted one directly on the side of my house. Take that! …and by one I mean 5 because that’s my lucky number, and you can never be to careful!
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