Over an unexpected lunch with friends today, the subject of our favorite Christmas gifts ever came up and I got so excited just in retelling my favorite Christmas story that I almost fell out of my chair. They encouraged me to write it down…which I think is a nice way of saying “please please stop talking” So here it is.
My sixteenth Christmas. I should maybe start with the mention I am Jewish. I am not blind however, I have seen a x-mas tree or two…I decorated my friends trees, ate the candy off their gingerbread houses. I have just always felt a disconnect with it…like there was something slightly inauthentic about celebrating it with gusto…I imagine if I was ever offered an honorary doctorate from a University I would feel the same way….I would totally call myself Dr. Hose…but obsessively say (sort of) real soft under my breath every time.. “Yes, This is Dr. Hose ( sort of )”…..
Anyway thats how Christmas feels to me…” MERRY CHRISTMAS, DECK THE HALLS!!!( I’m a jew).
And then I went to a Quaker boarding school. I am not sure when I shaved my head in the timeline here..I just remember feeling all sorts of misfity. I would sit on the big lawn playing some off key high pitched penny whistle and trying to alienate everyone…But it didn’t work…the very things that people brutally bullied in Junior High school were the same things that people seemed to embrace at George School. Maybe it was because we lived together …I think if you know…man I am gonna sleep in the room next to that hairy armpit chick…I better be cool to her. It was paradise for me, and I let myself explore in every way. I think I was going thru my “lumberjack” phase the year I lived with Lydia Lathrop Bibbins. I was into all things utility. Survival gear, Hunting jackets, work boots, wool socks. I had an emergency foil blanket. I carried “rations” I used to cut the tails off of squirrels and wrap the stump in silk and hang them on my wall…Basically everything you would want in a high school roommate.
Lydia was a photographer an Amazing photographer and somehow I got her to like me. We shared a room smaller then most closets and other then the one time she poured water down my penny whistle because I wouldn’t stop playing we got along really well. I travelled home with her on many occasions and her family became an extension of my own. She had such an amazing eye and would often take photos on our walks around campus. One time she gave me a “makeover” and forced me into lipstick and eyeliner and a lace dress and she took pictures of me climbing a tree. Those pictures made me look at myself differently then I ever had before. She captured something beautiful in me, sexy I dare say….years later an old boyfriend would confess that he had stolen those pictures and had..uhhh pleasured himself to them and I remember finding that to be…. an awesome compliment….Aside from inadvertent pornography she took deep and haunting photographs.
A few days before christmas I had gotten Lydia a really beautiful leather portfolio for her work, it was more then I could afford and I did some odd jobs around campus to get the extra money. We would be going home for winter break and I was just waiting for the perfect time to give it to her. That night we went to bed, lights out at 11 like normal and then at 3 am we were awoken by our hall leaders. They were seniors and they were so cool… but I forget their names…In fact I don’t remember too many specifics about the night, how many girls were on my hall, or what we were wearing ( although for me it was probably a buttflapped red union suit cause I loved those) What I remember was the way I felt when our doors swung open at 3 am. I couldn’t believe the trouble someone would go to just to make a special moment. X-mas music filled the air… I was filled with real twinkle light, scented candle, christmas spirit joy. The hall was aglow, lights everywhere.. so many you couldn’t believe it could happen in one night. Hanging from the ceiling were a thousandish paper snowflakes, a true winter wonderland with a tree at the end of the hall and hot chocolate…freaking middle of the night pajama wearing christmas hot chocolate with all of the girls that had become sisters during those first few months of school. We sat by the tree and unwrapped little gifts and I ran to our room and got Lydias portfolio..and she surprised me with a gift of my own. We opened at the same time. It was the first real “even” gift exchange I had ever had. Before that it was all..you get me something I “just have to have!” and I give you a handmade potholder kind of family stuff…But with Lydia I had put in real thought, real love and attention to who she was and was going to be. And she had done the same for me and that really stuck.
I knew what it was the minute I tore off the paper and saw the logo the box. My DREAM swiss army knife…LIKE the Dream one with EVERYTHING..even the magnifying glass in case I needed to create fire out of twigs. and TWEEZERS. I used those tweezers for ..oh you don’t even want to know, I loved those tweezers. That was a great x-mas present.
I have been blessed with so many amazing gifts and have had the thrill of giving some really interesting ones, but the quest to hit the nail on the head was sparked on that christmas. I have drawn the conclusion…and I draw this one over and over again… The gift itself didn’t matter…It really didn’t ..in fact as much as I loved that pocket knife, I haven’t seen it in 20 years. The tokens were just proof of thought. The real gift was knowing each other and feeling truly known.
